When a troubled American expatriate is offered work at the Tengen Hotel, he soon discovers that Tokyo’s most exclusive hotel is also the base of operations for a major crime syndicate. Now embroiled in their conspiracy to appropriate control over the city, the expatriate must choose between duty or sentiment as both his mettle and loyalty are put to the test.

After Dark

16 reviews

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

The updated draft does't present any new story elements that help understand the stakes and plot any better than the old draft. Except for appropriating control over the city that is but even that is a vague description of action.
In what way will they "...appropriate control ?"? Politically? Through property purchases? Killing rival syndicate members? Drug trafficking? etc?

All previous comments still apply the logline needs to provide a starting point for the story and a clear motivation for action throughout the series. This means an inciting incident and the basic premise of the pilot episode.

The stakes are vague because we don't understand what would happen if he doesn't join the mafia or what would happen if he does.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

This isn't bad, but here is the weak part of the latest attempt.
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...the expatriate must choose between duty or sentiment as both his mettle and loyalty are put to the test.
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Duty? As a bartender. He must choose between serving drinks (His duty) or working for the underground?

Sentiment? You haven't given us a clue to what he is sentimental about so this doesn't work either.

However I believe you are on the right track, I think you will get it.

Adamu95 Penpusher · 280 pts

Updated for like the third time. Check it out! :)