Disillusioned with God and the modern world, an immortal man goes to great lengths to immanentize the eschaton- bring heaven on Earth. Title: Aeturnus

Becoming disillusioned is not an inciting incident rather it is the result of an inciting incident, which begs the question what is the inciting incident? The next draft of the logline needs to explain what motivated him to bring heaven on Earth.

Secondly every hero (in good stories) "...goes to great lengths...", other wise their story would be boring. The next draft of the logline should describe what it is exactly that this hero must do in this story.