After learning that his father did not die when was 7 a prodigious investment banker sets off to find his dad, and does, at a silent monk monastery halfway across the world

Away

6 reviews

Tony Edward Samurai · 1,450 pts

impliation???... indication ;)

intersting???... interesting. My bad.

Tony Edward Samurai · 1,450 pts

As others have said -- there is no impliation of a struggle to achieve said goal... no struggle means there's no drama --no drama, no real interest...regardless of the genre. His goal currently = Find presumed dead Father. He does. The end. Yes, he finds him in an intersting world, but that's it. We need to know (well, at least I do...) 'objetively' WHY he has to find his Father, and what is the big deal (in the storyworld) in regards to the Father choosing a monastic lifestyle..? ... IOW - why would the MC care that his Father is now a monk... I mean, he's just found out he's alive, and he has managed to find him...

There is certainly potential for a great story with the set-up you've given, it's just that at the moment the logline only delivers on the set-up... a logline needs to give us an interesting (ironically flawed) character with a clearly defined goal, with an either stated or implied risk that equates to life or death, either physically or metaphysically. With this iteration of the logline I can't see what is at stake... And that's vital for care factor.

Best of luck with your future drafts.

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

There seems to be an implied thematic conflict between materialism and asceticism which, I suppose, is the hook, the idea that distinguishes this story from other father-son relationship stories. Which might be interesting/amusing. But, as noted, the logline doesn't make clear whether the plot is about the journey to meet his father -- or what happens after he does meet him. IOW: what is the central conflict that propels the story?