A vampire and vampire slayer living as roommates, hiding their identity, are secretly trying to kill each other, but fall in love in the process.

What do you guys think of this one? I thought this one was too wordy so that's why I was trying to cut it down. Also, I don't think you're supposed to put the ages of characters in your logline. I've never seen a logline with ages of the characters.

"After a lazy, lade back vampire runs out of body parts to suck blood out from his last female roommate, he finds a new sweet, innocent looking female roommate for a fresh kill, except she is a vampire slayer in training who must kill her first vampire as a final test, but when unnatural feelings grow for each other, things get complicated."

Quite like the sounds of this one. Although the info is pretty vague it does peak my interest. Maybe more about the ages of the characters would help me decide if it's for me. Possibly more of a comic angle if the film is going to be funny.

I ended up adding more detail to my logline since it was probably too vague before. Either I make my loglines too vague or too detailed.

"A vampire finds a new female roommate for a fresh kill, except she's a vampire slayer in training who must kill her first vampire as her final test, but unnatural feelings grow between them."

I guess this would be considered a dark romantic comedy.

Two roommates, a vampire and one vampire slayer

This would be a dual protagonist movie and I have a pretty good way of writing it so I think it'll work. That's why I wrote the two main characters in my logline. Maybe I'm not giving enough information in the logline to make it clear enough?

I wanted to do my own interpretation of the genre so to me, this will stand out because I know my version of it hasn't been done before.

This is supposed to be a comedy. I'm not sure how that should come across in my logline though because you have to explain the story in as little words as possible.

Bit confusing as there seam to be 2 posts for the same idea I'll respond to this one.

Firstly when dealing with a romantic vampire movie it must be clearly positioned relative to the numerous romantic vampire movies out already, the shear number of which justify a dedicated genre. This lacks an "angle" or direction for the film by which it will stand out from or fit into the vampire "genre" landscape. Buffy action comedy, Twilight teen sop or Dark Shadow neo realistic farce comedy, etc...

As for the story in the logline it comes across as missing a main character or MC as Karel writes. More like a dual protagonist which is much harder to write as it means they should both share the same journey throughout the story. If this is the case the Logline should reflect it as such which means they both need the same antagonist and obstacles to over come.
But for this you must first decide whether this is a love story, an education plot, a redemption plot etc.

Hope this helps Nir.