A self-centered, up-and-coming actor is about to have his once-in-a-lifetime ?big break? meeting with a control-freak star-director but his neurotic casual-girlfriend reveals that she?s pregnant, unplanned, certain he?s the father, potentially bringing everything he?s worked for crashing down, causing him to morally juggle his priorities.

by klee4 Penpusher · 161 pts 246 views

4 reviews

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts ★ Accepted

Yes, the logline is too long.

Still, I think there's a? kernel of a story here.? But I see it differently than how it is framed in the logline.? I think his subjective need is not to "morally juggle his priorities".? His subjective need is to overcome his character flaw , his egocentricity; he needs to? man up and assume the responsibilities, embrace the opportunities of fatherhood.

But in loglines, the focus is on struggles for objective goals, not struggles with subjective problems.? And that is what the logline lacks.? Given his predicament, what is his objective goal?

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

The trouble I am seeing with this logline (Besides the length) is that there are actors who are fathers. The inciting incident is that the lead character unexpectedly discovers he will be a father, but that in-and-of-itself won't in any way hamper his career as an actor. (Beyond how it might hamper any career)

That doesn't mean you can't have this as a plot, It just means you have to show us in the logline how in this specific case becoming a father will hamper his career. Why is it, in this specific case it will be a detriment to the lead character's career when in all other cases it is not?

killloud Penpusher · 96 pts

"After his neurotic pregnant ex drops the bomb on his big break meeting, a broke actor has a roller coaster night..."

Since you don't have any goal for him, I don't have it either