6 reviews
Who gave the protagonist the order to train them?
The inciting incident is that the protagonist found superior humans, developed by aliens ( which is the creepy secret ).
What is the new specie's intention? Do they want to replace the human race or do they want to suppress them to use them as slaves? To prevent that is a good goal, isn't it?
>>> while training a new intelligent specie... ? ?? means that their development isn't completed yet, right?
Is the 'hero's journey' to set-up a new or to change program for the training of the specie, to reach the goal not to get replaced or suppressed by them?
I like the premise. It has some potential...? reminds of Village of the Damned? somehow...
The first clause is redundant and should be cut - it doesn't describe the plot.
The descriptions in the logline as a whole are a bit strange; "...intelligent human specie...", (humans are an intelligent species), "...a scientist..." (this doesn't say much about what kind of person he or she is - give us a flaw), "...erase them..." (Who? The aliens? If so, replace 'them' with 'the aliens').
It's not immediately clear (and therefore doesn't work in the logline) what "...emperors to human-intelligence..." means. You need to make everything in the logline read crystal clear to anyone.
I'm confused as to what this story is about?
'While training a new intelligent human specie(s)' ... what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice ... the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they're being trained makes me think they're lab-grown. Is that right?
BUT ... immediately we learn that they're aliens. So why are we describing them as an intelligent human specie(s)? (Specificity would save you word count, and make the logline more efficient).
THEN ... this '"scientist's" first response to learning that a whole species of humans he has been training (for what?) are in fact aliens, is to "erase" them? (As in, genocide, right? If we're talking about a whole species?) This turn of events makes your protagonist, thinly painted as he is, hard to empathise with.
ALSO ... there's no indication, at least in the logline, that would suggest nefarious plans from this intelligent human species that would necessitate that they're erased? (The ACTION section of your logline seems disconnected, or a non sequitur, from the EVENT section of your logline).
ALSO ... how many of them are there. You use the word EMPEROR, which seems quite specific. And it makes me wonder how that fits into it? Like, are there only 7 of them, and they're each planning on taking over a continent and ruling as god-king emperors? Or do you just mean that they might emerge as a dominant species? But also ... that's vague, and potentially not a threat ... because in your logline, they've not shown themselves to be a threat? (Be clear with both your protagonist and antagonist's goals, but also justify them in the logline).
Is this a story about a paranoid scientist massacring a race of human-like aliens?
The use of "intelligence" three times in your logline makes me think you didn't give this a proof-read and a second draft, which makes me think that any potential script you were to write might be similarly approached, and were I the kind of person who might purchase a script from a writer I could be scared off from wanting to see more of your work at that point.
I think dpg nailed it. The premise is not clear or clean enough to make me engage with your logline the 'right way' (hooking me into the protagonist's plight and wondering if he's going to succeed or fail in his goal). Instead, my brain has to do somersaults to try and understand what is going on.