A grief-stricken woman takes a cross-country road trip with a little girl she kidnapped to unite her with her father for the child's protection.

OK uDawnWrite.

It was not a suggestion. This is your story.

Hi Jean-Marie,
I hope I win or at least place too. As far as Celine and Angel, Celine is in her late 30's and Angel's father is mid-20's. I know age is just a number, but I decided not to make this a love story.

I'd like something sparks between Celine and Angel's father.

Hi uDawnWrite

Of course you can use it. And you're right about "sexually".

My pleasure.

Hope you win. Your success will be (a very-very little) ours.

Good luck.

Thanks again, Jean-Marie. I just complimented DPG with his logline before I read yours. I love it! However, I was wondering if I dropped sexually and just used abuse. It may be just me, but do you think people would be turned off by the sexual (child abuse) part of the logline?

Also she's not really estranged from her father, he's not with Angels mother, but close with Angel, he's just in the Military.

"When a grieving mother realizes the little girl she kidnapped is abused, they run away trying to escape pursuers to reunite daughter and father." 24 words

I like it, and I hope you don't mind me using it? I might play around with it and make it my own, but for the most part it's still you.

Thank you, and everyone else above.

Thanks DPG. The part when she decides to reunite her with her father just came to me. Celine's father saved her from the clutches of her mother, so it felt kind of right. Like they say, sometimes the story just writes itself. Also, molestation is the main issue. Celine was molested, and her mother did nothing (revealed near act three).

I'm receiving some pretty good loglines from everyone. I do like the first half of your suggested logline so don't be surprised if I use it. (lol). I do appreciate all the help I'm receiving. My first screenplay received minor attention, so I will take this as a good sign. Wishful thinking perhaps.

Your loglines are very helpful. I haven't started working on it again yet, but I'm saving yours to get an idea. I'm trying to tighten my script one last time before end of weekend, and possibly get an analysis. But thanks again, Valentin.

Thanks again, Jean Marie. Yes I have all the elements that make up the screenplay. The main part of my screenplay take place within a two-three day time period. From the time Angel runs away/is kidnapped, her father is made aware.

Celine does have a husband, but they divorced/separated before daughter was killed, then the husband blamed her for her death.

Angel's mom will win no mother of the year award I can assure you. (lol)

Oh and thanks for finding my story beautiful, I just hope I'm giving it justice (my vision).

When a grieving mother realizes the little girl she kidnapped is sexually abused, they run away trying to escape pursuers to reunite daughter and estranged father.

26 words (if it's right in English of course)

When a grieving mother realizes that the little girl she kidnapped is sexually abused, they run away trying to escape their pursuers to reunite daughter and estranged father.

When a grieving mother realizes that the little girl she kidnapped is sexually abused, they run away trying to escape their pursuers thru the whole country to reunite daughter and estranged father.

For your consideration:

When a child kidnapper resolves to return the child only to discover he has been violently abused by his parents, she decides to forge a new identity and life to give him a loving upbringing. (34 words)

Notes:
1] I'm violating my own rule by deciding to use the word "decide" in a logline because I think it works. It's not an equivocation, "to be or not be" statement. It's a strong, hard decision, the hardest she will make in her life, a life changing decision, a point of no return It raises the obvious dramatic question: can she evade the law, go underground, establish a new identity and life so she can raise the boy?

However, if this offends purists, then substitute "struggles" for "decides".

1] The toddler is a boy (optional)
(Or flip roles and make the kidnapper a guy, the toddler a girl. Either way they constitute more of an "odd" couple relationship than either both being female or both being male.)

2] The evidence of the toddlers abuse are horrible bruises on his buttocks and thighs which she doesn't discover until she bathes him before returning the kid and surrendering herself.

3] Up the horror and the stakes by throwing in evidence of sexual molestation. Now, there is no way this side of hell she will return the kid to that kind of life -- and it will justify in the audience's mind her decision to forge a new identity and life, raise the child herself.

4] The abused toddler is being raised by BOTH natural parents. There is no issue of divorce or separation. She has no option of delivering the child to the other parent.

5]Consequently, she has to do all the rescue work, short term and long term, herself. There is no easy way out for her. No way she can just deliver the kid to the other natural parent, explain everything and get off with an light sentence. This is a life sentence. A life sentence she chooses for herself.

6] In addition, to all the complications (being pursued, etc.) in the original scenario, her "life sentence" piles on additional complications, problems, ratchets up the dramatic tension.

fwiw.

Yes, but....

I still like the dilemma that she kidnaps the girl, then after resolving to return her, realizes the child's mother is abusing her. Including neglect: that's why it was easy for the woman to kidnap her.

So far, I have been unable to write a logline for the "dilemma" version that is under 30 words in length (the ideal maximum). My aim is to write one that does not exceed 40 words (the tolerable maximum).

[FWIW: What I mean by ideal maximum versus tolerable maximum:

I maintain a database of loglines for movies, currently 546 entries to which I add new ones every week as movies are released. The median and mean average word length has been holding steady at 23 words, comfortably under the 30 ideal maximum, with a standard deviation of 6 words.

About 87% of the loglines are 30 words or less. About 9% of the loglines are 31-35 words long; about 3.5% are 36-40 words long. None of them exceed 40 words in length -- so there's where I set the red line.]

When a suicidal woman realises that a runaway girl is abused by her well-connected stepfather, she goes on the run from both the girl's unconcerned mother and the authorities to reunite daughter and estranged father.
Shorter and to the point without diluting the emotional impact. You have a strong concept, hopefully your treatment will make justice to it. Good luck with the script competition!

OK uDawnWrite,

This is a beautiful story.
I assume "her father" is Angel's one. Isn?t it?

Hollywood, and contests' readers even more, WORSHIP big conflicts and big perils and big stakes, as these are things any caveman can understand?.
If you have none (what seems to be, according to the way you pitch, and you seem don't to like those), may be you can put stronger barriers (material or mental) on her way (hardness to join Angel?s father, doubts about him, pursuit with some members of Angel's family...). No matter if you grieve to do that, you?ll have even more fun to fix it.

About structure,
- Your plot point one seems to be when Celine decides to reunite Angel with her father. And you give us very little details about what follows.

According to Blake Snyder? beat sheet? (just as an example and because it?s more evocative than the Hero?s Journey):
- Then comes the "Fun and games" (act two-1) where "we see the promise of the premise" (She contacts the father, warns her lawyer who engages the detective, and they begins their big trip... or something...)
- Up to the midpoint. Then, the "bad guys close in" (act two-2): (Angel?s family, police, other events...) and strain crosses until...
- All is lost? that pushes your hero into the dark side of the soul? (Abyss, ordeal) until...
- Plot point three: she reacts and...
- Finale (act three): everything turns right and all promises are kept.

About your characters:

You have a flawed hero with a big potential arc, a stake character, some helpers and maybe a mentor (the lawyer, the detective, Angel?s father...), antagonists (Angel?s family, the police, justice...)
- How about Celine?s husband? You tell us she had a daughter but nothing about her husband. Is she married, estranged, a widow, single? Is her husband or ex husband part of the story (B or C story) and in what way?
- Is there any love story between Celine and Angel?s father? (B or C story)
-...

Blake Snyder?s beat sheet:
1. Opening image (1)
2. Theme stated (5) = kidnapping?
3. Setup (1-10) = first trip?
4. Catalyst (12) = bubble bath?
5. Debate (12-25) = Angel's clothes and blood spots, her confession, contact with the lawyer...?
6. Break into Two (25) = Celine decision?
7. B story (30)
8. Fun and games (30-55)
9. Midpoint (55)
10. Bad guys close in (55-75)
11. All is lost (75)
12. Dark night of the soul (75-85)
13 Break into three (85)
14. Finale (85-110)
15. Final image (110)

(--) = indicative pages

To enter Nicholl fellowship, the required logline? may contain 300 characters.

Hope this will be helpful.

JM

I have to agree with you, DPG that is the hook. Angel's mom turns a deaf ear to her, and Celine has been there herself so returning her is not an option.

I am going to try my damnedest to convey all this helpful information within twenty-seven words or less.

What I've received so far is better than my original logline post.

For me, the hook, that is, the aspect of the story that gets my attention, are the moral dilemmas the woman faces. Discovering that to rectify her wrong and return the child would enable a greater wrong: child abuse. That to refuse to turn herself with the prospect of a light sentence would mean an even harsher sentence if she is caught. She's caught between an authentic rock and a genuine hard place.

How to encapsulate that in a pithy logline is a worthy challenge.

Thanks again, Valentin. I can work with both of your log-lines, and hope to come up with something better than what I started out with.

When a suicidal woman saves a runaway girl from a fatal accident, she feels responsible for her well-being. On the run from both the well-connected pedophile legal guardian and the authorities who think that she kidnapped her, she races across the country to reunite the girl with her estranged father.

@Valentin I have to give you credit, that logline is a whole lot better than mine, and it doesn't give the story away. I may have to hi-jack it from you and play around with it. Thank you.

@Jean-Marie. I do have it registered with the Copyright Office.

As I stated earlier, Celine was about to commit suicide because she lost her daughter in a bad car accident. She was a mom who was over protective, and she lost her marriage because of it too. She had a reason for being over protective of her daughter.

Celine kidnaps Angel because she sees it as a second chance at being a mother. She skips town and a six hour time delay before Angel (6) is actually reported missing.

*Skip to the protection part* Celine wakes up in a hotel room realizing what she has done, how could she take another child from her mother she thought. So she calls up her Lawyer, and she's told to bring Angel home, and given her frame of mind- she shouldn't have to serve any Jail-time...

Celine promised Angel some pancakes and a bubble bath (she gave her deceased daughter bubble baths) before she returns her home.

Angel goes to the bathroom for her bubble bath and removes her little dress and panties. Celine notices a couple of bruises, but she brushes them off. Angel climbs into the tub- and Celine splashes her with water (same as her daughter). Angel laughs, she's happy.

Celine gathers Angels clothes from floor, and she notices something about Angels little panties wasn't quiet right. Evidence that she's been touched (blood spots). *I don't have it shown, but it is revealed.*

Celine has a history of being touched too, and given how she was protective of her daughter, she ended up losing her in that car accident.

She asks Angel if she's been touched down there and assures her she can trust her. Angel cries and confesses.

So now, everyone back home is believing Angel is coming home, but this new discovery, changes everything.

Celine decides to reunite Angel with her father who's in the military in CA. Celine tracks him down, contacts him, give him a rundown. (he loves Angel). As she makes the trip, she has a few run ins with the law. However, her lawyer and a young Detective back home are investigating the claims of abuse.

Anywho, I love happy endings, and it has one. And yes, I'm sure you can tell by the above, I am self-taught Screenwriter.

I'm basing this Screenplay out of my home town, Panama City, FL. Not a huge city, but decent.

Hi uDawnWrite,

If you want to enter some contests, the logline is not the most important thing (no need of logline for Nicholl - last deadline on May 1- or Scriptapalooza and anyway your script will be read in any contest). But it may tell some important things about your story, as Valentin noted:

e.g.:
- If Angel was at the wrong place, Celine has an obsessional or paranoidic problem, maybe the real child's protection is not what your logline tells;
- If she was at the wright place, Angel is facing a real danger and your logline doesn't tell what it is.

What could be more helpful is to talk about your story to improve the structure or some details about the plot or the characters. But this could make you spend a lot of time.
So you better pitch it, and then tell us when you're fed up with our comments.

If your story is registred (WGA or USCO), you can tell here everything you want about it..

Standing at your disposal.

UDanWrite,
Adding more information does not necessarily mean giving everything away.
Sometimes giving a little bit more means that people know what the movie and want to read your script/watch the movie.

When a suicidal woman saves a runaway girl from a serious accident, she feels responsible for her well-being. On the run from both the sadistic grand father and the authorities who think that she kidnapped her, she must race across the country to reunite the girl with her estranged father.

My suggested logline is still a little too long, but now it gives a sense of direction.

By the way, have you seen the movie "Gloria" with Gena Rowland? It is quite old, but it is a brilliant classic. It has a similar theme. A kid in danger bonding with his reluctant saviour an aging woman.

Thanks Valentin, I need all the help I can get.

However, If I answer all those questions, it feels I would be giving away the whole movie.

I can tell you this, she's grief-stricken because she lost her little girl in a car accident, and she was about to commit suicide with a gun, and she was unable to. So she took a hand full of pills, then the little girl, Angel (the girl she kidnaps) comes running by. She was running away, to go live with her father, and Celine (the Woman) saw her in the rear-view, and did the finger down the throat trick for the pills. Angel was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or should I say the right place at the right time.

Below is my first logline I came up with:

"A grief-stricken woman kidnaps a little girl then makes a decision to unite her with her father for the child?s protection."

Not much of a difference. It's still a work in progress.

I had no intentions of writing this screenplay any time soon, but my first Screenplay (although received a consider) just cannot seem to jump start my career, so I decided to go ahead and write this one.

It's different because I am a Romantic Drama type of girl, and I had to dig a little deep within myself and get a little twisted, we shall see though.

True. I'm hoping to enter this screenplay into the Nicholl and Scriptapalooza screenplay competitions. The deadline is quickly approaching.

Hi uDanWrite,
Reading your logline, I straight away made my own movie, (poor father signed away all his parental rights, years later the mother dies and now the rich grand father needs the child for a dangerous bone marrow transfer and the surgeon has kidnapped the little girl), however the logline should describe YOUR movie.
Right now, it teases without suggesting enough of the story and tension.
What is the relationship between the grief stricken woman and the child?
Why does the woman think that the child is at risk?
What kind of danger is the child facing?
Also, is the father estranged, out of the child's life, locked up, blocked on an oil rig or something that he can't just come and pick his daughter up?

Hi uDawnWrite

The antagonist can be herself. E. g. if she's feared by a fake threat.

Thanks Jean-Marie and Dpg. My antagonist is a little bit of everyone so to speak. However, the Police is hot on their trail/tail. I'm always rewriting, so I will try and work in an antagonist, because I do agree with you both.

As Jean-Marie said. The logline might benefit from an antagonist in hot pursuit to escalate tension, urgency, raise the stakes.

Hi uDawnWrite,

I'm sure of that.
When thousands of students write an essay about the same subject, there are never, never... two identical works.

About your logline, you have:
- a female hero,
- a flaw: grief-stricken, and maybe the kidnapping
- a goal : unite the girls with her father
- a stake : child protection vs something bad
- a sense of urgency suggested by the kidnapping and the cross-country escape

What you could add is a clear antagonist (I assume he is mostly present as it is a road movie: he must be on the hero's heels), and perhaps some clarification about the peril the little girl is exposed to.

Good luck

I've never heard of the film however I can assure you they're not the same. I still may check it out.

Hi uDawnWrite,

Your story seems close to "Un Unfinished Life" by Lasse Hallstrom (2005), with Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez and Morgan Freeman:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Unfinished_Life

"A down on her luck woman, desperate to provide care for her daughter, moves in with her father in-law from whom she is estranged. Through time, they learn to forgive each other and heal old wounds."

Although directing is not terrific to my taste (a bit too theatrical, and grizzly is rather ridiculous), the story is interesting.

In this movie, The road trip is limited to the setup.

Hope this can be helpful.