A gifted young aid worker tormented by his dreams is thrust into a world where he learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn to master his gift to save humanity and the people he loves.

9 reviews

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

Happysnapper,

All the comments made to the first version still apply - the plot is vague and the story unclear.

Below are a few questions that will pop into most decision makers minds. No need to answer them here in a reply to the thread, best you read other loglines and learn how other writers use specific events and details to clearly describe their stories.

What does young aid worker mean?
Is he 18 yo, 21yo, 25yo, 30yo?
How does him being young help or hinder his efforts?
How is him being an aid worker connected to him saving the world?
How does him being tormented by his dreams connect to the plot?
What does "...been manipulated for eons..." mean in practical terms?
What's the worst that will happen should he fail?
What motivated him to save humanity? What specific event?
What does accepting the past mean in practical terms? What must he actually do?
What does save the future mean in practical terms? Who's future?
Which goal does he care about most? Save the world or save the people he loves?

Happysnapper Penpusher · 106 pts

Thanks for the feedback. How about this version?

A young aid worker tormented by his dreams learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. Only by accepting the past does he have a chance to save the future, humanity and the people he loves.

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

I think it's got potential to be a great story. You need risky stakes. Why should he? Why not leave it the way it is? What's in it for him? There has to be an inciting event that pushes him to learn how to control his gift and do something about what he's discovered. Also trim it down as much as you can. Good luck!