A female terrorist forces the son of the president of the U.S. to help her in finding her sister, Lilith, who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith's Godly telekinetic powers.

Finding Lilith

4 reviews

FFF Mentor · 7,850 pts

I agree with Nir Shelter.
And a recall of one general rule in loglines: avoid names (like "Lilith").

Reading the original logline I thought of this as a teen movie, so I'd say:

"After her sister is abducted by the government because of her mental powers, a smart girl convinces the U.S president's son to join her in a desperate rescue mission".

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

If her sister has "godly telekenetic powers" how is it possible for anyone to abduct and restrain her against her will?

And why wouldn't the terrorist just hold the son hostage with the threat of execution as a leverage to force the U.S. government to release her sister? Just being the son of the U.S. President doesn't, ipso facto, endow him with the necessary skills and knowledge to help her find her sister.

Paul Clarke Samurai · 1,352 pts

I agree with Nir. Even without restructuring, at the very least you can cut out all the repeated and unnecessary words.

"A female terrorist forces the son of the president of the U.S. to help her in finding her sister, Lilith, who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith's Godly telekinetic powers"

Would become:
"A female terrorist forces the son of the president to help her find her telekinetic sister who has been abducted by the government."

But it still lacks stakes and an implied ending. Maybe something more like:

"A desperate woman forces the president's son to help rescue her sister, before the government can use her god-like telekinetic powers to take over the world."
(or whatever their end goal is).