Paul Clarke
Samurai · 1,352 points
- 39 loglines
- 91 reviews
- 1
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I don't think the logline is quite right, but I love the concept. I could see that being a solid low-budget creature feature. Perhaps: When environmental activists raid a chemical testing lab to free the imprisoned animals, they find…
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The first sentence needs to go. The incident that killed her parents (incident is too vague, if this is a killer that will show up then tell us), and that incident isn't what brought her to the FBI, it's her…
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As mentioned elsewhere, knowing the genre would clarify the tone. It sounds like a comedy to me, but they could turn on him and things could get deadly if it's a thriller. I also would like some indication of…
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That's a good first half of a logline, but you stop right when things get interesting -- Tell us what he must do, what he must overcome in order to say goodbye to his mother. The stakes are clear, as…
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I would go with: A distrustful werewolf must team up with a human princess to stop a vengeful knight from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures. The backstory as to what the knight did in the past…
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Or alternative based on the guidelines: When a lonely woman finds herself in the middle of the ocean in a sinking boat with a mysterious man she just met, she must employ all her resourcefulness to keep it afloat.
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The first two parts are redundant - fatally wounded means nothing if he's already dead. It's also unclear whether the day occurs backwards or just repeats. And whether it repeats more than once. Also - why does he get this…
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What kind of building? What kind of employee? What type of person is he? And why can't he just leave the building? What kind of living horror and psychological terror? I like the contained nature, the stakes, the goal -…
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There's a hint of a story there but the logline is currently too vague. "Mysterious outsider" - this appears to be your main character and therefore cannot be mysterious. How can we envision your story if we don't even know…
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I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it's also still a little too vague. First of all, is his former teacher and wife the…