A family living in Hawaii unravels from alcoholism exposing Hawaii's underside

Screenplay is witten. It’s titled Masters of Purgatory

5 reviews

sharkeatingman 0 pts

I'm going to assume that "dysfunctional PENILE (penal) system" was meant as a joke. With four kids, there was nothing dysfunctional about his!

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

A co dependent Dad and an alcoholic Mom

Pick one. As an emerging writer, it is hard enough to develop one character's journey. Who is the real hero?

are raising 4 children in an affluent Hawaii neighborhood

Why is it important to mention Hawaii and that they are affluent? It may be stronger to give us the profession/function of the main character. This will probably imply their socio-economic status.

when Mom seeks a restraining order on Dad to pre-empt loosing her children,

Here it is suggested that dad is the hero as mum proves to be more dysfunctional.

the TRO is corruptly handled by a City Prosecutor and improperly administered and

This is interesting as it shows how dad is unjustfully treated by the authorities. This often makes for powerful drama.

Dad is faced with a 10 year jail sentence sucked into a morbidly dysfunctional Hawaii penile system.

To me, this reads like the actual Inciting Incident. Here is where the story really starts.

How about this:

"When his alcoholic wife puts a restraining order on a Hawaiian [function/profession], he must fight the morbidly dysfunctional penile system and learn to overcome his co-dependence before winning his children back."

Jim Cone 0 pts

Thanks much appreciate it. Is this any better?

A co dependent Dad and an alcoholic Mom are raising 4 children in an affluent Hawaii neighborhood when Mom seeks a restraining order on Dad to pre-empt loosing her children, the TRO is corruptly handled by a City Prosecutor and improperly administered and Dad is faced with a 10 year jail sentence sucked into a morbidly dysfunctional Hawaii penile system.