A bookstore owner must re-live his father’s murder, stay alive, and protect his friends when the murderer escapes from an asylum transfer.

3 reviews

Marcello Lanfranchi Logliner · 321 pts

By "relive," do you mean he has to experience the murder from his father's perspective?

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

>> must re-live his father's murder.

Loglines should focus on the dramatic problem to be solved NOW, in the present tense. ?The dramatic problem NOW is to apprehend and/or kill the murderer. "Re-living the murder" -- whatever that means -- is old business ?Maybe it's a complicating factor in the story proper but it is extraneous for the purpose of a logline.

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

Loglines should emulate the experience of reading the script, re order the elements in your logline so they replicate the sequence of events in the story.
For example:
After his father's killer escapes an asylum, a fearful book-store owner must kill him in order to save his family.

I changed your action description "...stay alive..." is vague and a given, and "...re-live his father's murder..." confusing - the reader won't understand what that actually means.