1yzzy75

Penpusher · 166 points

134 points to Logliner

4 loglines
7 reviews

Displaced far from her mountain home, a lonely waitress must learn to trust someone as she prepares to flee her increasingly abusive lover.

October 5, 2017
After a string of failed pregnancies and suicide attempts, a skeptical waitress must learn to trust a bizarre construction worker in order to escape her abusive ex-lover and keep the baby she has stolen.

October 1, 2017
Noir Dramedy: Attempts by a mentally unstable and displaced young couple to forge a family with a stolen baby are jeopardized by law enforcement, a relative with vested interest, and an abusive ex-lover; their only chance of success seems to be returning to their homeland.

September 23, 2017
A mentally unstable young couple from Appalachia reminisces about forging a bond of protection and an unorthodox family in the face of suicidal, homicidal, and familial strife in the slums of Los Angeles.

June 12, 2017

on Noir Dramedy: Attempts by a mentally unstable and displaced young couple to forge a family with a stolen baby are jeopardized by law enforcement, a relative with vested interest, and an abusive ex-lover; their only chance of success seems to be returning to their homeland.

Thank you. You have helped me clearly identify the theme to my script! I appreciate your opinion so much. I love the good old fashioned Individual Vs. Societal Norms stories.
on Noir Dramedy: Attempts by a mentally unstable and displaced young couple to forge a family with a stolen baby are jeopardized by law enforcement, a relative with vested interest, and an abusive ex-lover; their only chance of success seems to be returning to their homeland.

EDIT: Noir Dramedy: Attempts by a mentally unstable and displaced young couple to forge a family with a stolen baby are jeopardized by law enforcement, a relative with vested interest, and an abusive ex-lover; their only chance of success lies…
on After her rich husband and her lover are found murdered on her living room floor, a beautiful woman must prove her innocence to avoid being murdered by the police while in custody.

Woah, wait! Why would she be murdered by law enforcement? Or would it be fellow inmates? I think a word or two about the possible motives for them ?and a bit of clarity should be included. But I like the…
on Rewrite: When a muslim woman- betrothed as a child, follows her dream to choose her husband by herself, she must face terrorisation from her betrothed who feels dishonored.

Terrorization? Is that really a word? Also, the dash is misplaced, it should be a comma. I love this idea, though. Keep going with it!
on Rework: When cops are killed in a series of murders, the investigator must catch the contract killer and his employer before they get to his family.

I like the feel of the reworked line more immensely. If you still feel it is off, how about rewording it a little? "uncover the contract killer and his employer"? "insure his family's safety/survival"?
on Reword #2: When she is abducted by her estranged father so she can be spared, a stubborn humanitarian must find a way to prevent him from killing most of humanity.

I still think that a word or two about what she will be spared from needs to be added.
on Rework: When cops are killed in a series of murders, the investigator must catch the contract killer and his employer before they get to his family.

OOOOOH I really like the idea of this story! With that being said, maybe a word other than "cops" can be used to make this seem more realistic. Also, perhaps an adjective for the investigator? Other than those two points,…