?Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything??

Here are the log lines that have been presented so far. Any suggestions as to what looks good or should be changed in any way?

Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything??

While sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division is pulled into a deadly psychological war by her manipulative and vengeful ex-husband for sending him to prison.?

When her vengeful ex threatens his ex-wife by destroying the U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear sub by using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up before the submarine goes down.?

When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a bomb on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL?), before (insert worst case scenario?the STAKES) happens??

When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.?

A routine evaluation of a new submarine?s crew by the head of the U.S. DoD PsyOps turns into a crisis threatening to sink the sub with all aboard when her vengeful ex-husband infects the computer systems with a virus.?

Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything??

While sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division is pulled into a deadly psychological war by her manipulative and vengeful ex-husband for sending him to prison.?

When her vengeful ex threatens his ex-wife by destroying the U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear sub by using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up before the submarine goes down.?

When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a bomb on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL?), before (insert worst case scenario?the STAKES) happens??

When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.?

A routine evaluation of a new submarine?s crew by the head of the U.S. DoD PsyOps turns into a crisis threatening to sink the sub with all aboard when her vengeful ex-husband infects the computer systems with a virus.?

Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board.?

Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. Navy nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division learns her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus.?

Locked in a nuclear submarine with the crew she was sent to evaluate, the Director of PsyOps must help stop the self-destruct sequence initiated by her vengeful husband.?

I recently sent an e-mail to the real NCIS to get their ideas on the situation. I am waiting for their response.

I understand that you would like to see your script as a NCIS episode. Personally I see more potential in the premise as a stand alone movie.
Think a mix of Crimson Tide, Speed and Die Hard with a vengeance.
Bar a coffin or the trunck of a car, you are unlikely to find more claustrophobic and confined settings than a submarine.

The movies 12 rounds (1 and 2) are exactly based on the concept that an all seeing vengeful antagonist makes the protagonist run through challenges. To win the protagonist has to outsmart and/or outfight him.
All you need is to write increasingly difficult challenges:

+ Make them run through the submarine just to find an object
+ cut their ability to communicate across the submarine so they have to use runners (physical/visual better than talky walky)
+ Solve a riddle to find the next clue.
+ Somebody sacrifies himself.
+ Cut their air supply.

Hope all those ideas help with your script. Let me know when you finishes it.

Better yet, Valentin.

>>there is a sense that she is directly responsible to saving the day.

Agree, It can take a team effort to solve a problem, but the usual role of the protagonist is to come up with the final piece that solves the puzzle.

There is a possible exception that comes to mind, the movie "Apollo 13". It truly took a team effort to bring the 3 astronauts back alive. And, ironically, the character who comes through with the final solution that enables the 3 astronauts to return safely is the astronaut who got bumped from the mission because he was exposed to German measles.

Even so, the Tom Hanks character is tagged as the main character who frames the story. As flight commander, he was always the one in charge in outer space, and often thinking one step ahead of events. And the Ed Harris character, the NASA Flight Director, was always the one calling the shots, making the tough calls from mission control on earth.

However, that movie was based on true events, familiar events to all the studio suits director Ron Howard and producer Brian Grazer pitched the project to. They weren't burdened with the task of having to explain the story.

Again, previous comment was sent when I was not logged in.

Locked in a nuclear submarine with the crew she was sent to evaluate, a shrink must win a deadly game of psychological warfare in order to stop the self destruct sequence initiated by a vengeful husband.
I still think that there is no need for her title Director of PsyOps.
However now there is a sense that she is directly responsible to saving the day.
Before she was looking at best like an not very useful participant a worst like the idiot responsible of the mess.

[BTW Presario2000, I am an equal opportunity offender. My character flaw is a deficiency of tact when it comes to vetting loglines and plots.

FWIW: what appeals to me in your story is the presence of a FEMALE protagonist. Not enough of them in log lines, nor in action-thriller movies and series. I want to see more; that's why I've got your story on the rack. No comfort, to be sure, but there it is. You are welcome to advise me to bugger off and stuff my opinions where the sun doesn't shine at any time!]

Locked in a nuclear submarine with the crew she was sent to evaluate, a shrink must win a deadly game of psychological warfare in order to stop the self destruct sequence initiated by a vengeful husband.

I still think that there is no need for her title Director of PsyOps.
However now there is a sense that she is directly responsible to saving the day.
Before she was looking at best like an not very useful participant a worst like the idiot responsible of the mess.

>>She provides the intel, others take care of the computer virus.

So she herself doesn't have to directly solve the problem she discovers? What the heck does the story need her for, then? It looks like she's a failure, not a hero. Whatever intel she had did NOT prevent the attack. Now it seems like others have to clean up the mess she didn't prevent.

Correct. She's the Director of PsyOps. As to whether she has any computer skills or not has never been address. She provides the intel, others take care of the computer virus.

How about this...

"Locked in a nuclear submarine with the crew she was sent to evaluate, the Director of PsyOps must help stop the self-destruct sequence initiated by her vengeful husband."

That's 28 words.

Better.

But... this brings up another issue that has always mystified me. There's a mismatch between her job description/skill set and the immediate, urgent crisis on the sub: she a PsyOps specialist, a psychological warrior, not a computer hacker, a cyber warrior; she doesn't have the skill set to debug the system.

I have tried to reword the logline without any reference to NCIS and previous episodes.

Locked in a nuclear submarine with the crew she was sent to evaluate, a shrink must stop the self destruct sequence initiated by her vengeful husband.

Hopefully the tension is still there, but now the logline stands on its own.

There you go again referencing the series! So write for the story you want to write for the series. The producers for the series will understand your log line without you having to provide a lengthy explanation. Good luck.

The only other suggestion I have is that the log line has to say what Ms. Ryan will -- MUST - do about the problem. Your current iterations only give an inciting incident -- she discovers there's a problem. A log line has to go further than saying a character discovers a problem; it has to state what she must do about it.

I never actually had any cause to read his writings. I only came across that bit. She is evaluating how the crew and the international team on board work together. It is in the interests of the United States to know these things. The only person who would have a Need to Know? regarding who she actually is would be the Commanding Officer. After all, she is an important asset to National Security. She is just there to observe and report. She is not there to a psychological operation?.

Executive producer Gary Glasberg told TV Guide that Jamie Lee Curtis will portray psychiatrist Samantha Ryan in the episode Psych Out?, and that her character "knows how to get inside people's heads and she knows how to spar with Gibbs?. That being the case, she has a better handle on how the team feels about working together.

But you still haven't given a good reason for her to be on board for the reasons cited.

Also, I believe it's forbidden by Federal law for a government agency -- military or civilian -- to engage in PsyOps on American citizens (except in a declared state of national emergency and then for limited purposes). So she is in violation of Federal law by practicing PsyOps mojo on American crew members -- if that is the reason she is on board the sub.

But again, a clinical evaluation is not PsyOps, so she has no business being on board the sub for that purpose.

Yes, we are dealing with obvious political ramifications. There are civilian personnel from different countries being hosted by the United States Navy in a new international program. The stakes are high on the success of the program. Imagine what might happen if those terrorists attacked the Olympics in Sochi.

I know that already. (And I've read SunTzu -- have you?)

Do you know the distinction between PsyOps and PsyObs? Her job doesn't explain why she is on that sub, why she would be doing a CLINICAL psychological evaluation of a crew -- that ain't what PsyOps is about.

Also, your log line buries the lead. That is, there is more at stake in the virus attack than mere personal vengeance by an ex, right?. There is a larger military and/or political issue at stake as well, yes? Well, it should be the lead stakes in the log line (The personal vengeance would be a plot-plus factor, a reveal in the course of the story).

[To understand what Dr. Ryan and PsyOps do, we need to understand what her department does. Psychological Operations - Planned operations to convey selected information and indicators to foreign audiences? so as to influence their emotions, motives, objective reasoning, and ultimately the behavior of foreign governments, organizations, groups, and individuals. The purpose of psychological operations is to induce or reinforce foreign attitudes and behavior favorable to the originator's objectives. Also called PSYOP. See also overt peacetime psychological operations programs; perception management. Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms. US Department of Defense 2005. In this case, she knows how her husband thinks. She knows what he is capable of doing. In that way, she can help stop him. "Know your enemy" is a saying derived from Sun Tzu's The Art of War. I looked this up on the internet.]

Most people here seemed to have tripped over the word PsyOps and I expect it will be the case in the larger sea of fish. What the heck is PsyOps?

I tripped over it because it doesn't make sense to me for a PsyOps specialist to be tasked with a PsyObs assignment. Yes, I read your explanation way back when, but I'm not buying it. The primary mission of PsyOps is to engage in psychological manipulation -- propagandize -- not to do clinical PsyObs evaluations,, determine whether or not a diverse crew can co-exist, hold hands and sing "Kum ba yah" day after day 100 fathoms under water.

PsyOps and PsyObs are not equivalent and interchangeable tasks. So there's that.

Ok, so, how is this -

Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. Navy nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division learns her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus.

>> I am working on a movie idea

Then present us with a log line for a movie ONLY, a log line that stands alone, on its own legs, that requires no knowledge of, no reference to any other movie, or series for us to understand.

The Director of the DoD is the focal point of the movie. I am not sure how to better word it. Who is Clancy?

In terms of tailoring a log line specific to NCIS, I don't know for the reasons already stated. Almost all the log lines posted here are for spec scripts not associated with an already established series or franchise. They stand on their own, not on the shoulders of a series or franchise. Yours is an exception, a specialty item.

One thing I do know for sure is that the last line is problematical. "Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything?? The plot predicament or stakes should never be posed as a question in a logline. (Although, obviously, It's implied in a declarative statement of the plot premise.)

I do not know of any other way to explain it. The Director of the DoD is the major factor in the movie. The entire movie centers around her.

You?ve obviously put a lot of thought and time into your story. [Actually, I am still working out the details.]
But as I said in an aside exchange, the challenge of writing a logline for an episode for an established TV series is different than for a pure spec story created ex nihilo. [Actually, I am working on a movie idea that I plan on turning into its own television series. If NCIS declines, I can still use the basic idea and go with it. No harm done.]
It seems to me that all the feedback you?ve gotten indicates you?ve got a dilemma. [Oh?] Either you can write a log line with a juicy hook that appeals to all the fish in the ocean (of which the visitors to this site constitute a representative sample). [Right.]
OR you can bait the hook to target a few fish ? in one fish bowl: the producers and directors of the TV series in Hollyweird. [Ok.]
But you can?t do both. [No?]
You seem to have dismissed or rebutted almost every comment posted. [Actually, I have not. Everything that everybody has said has been most valuable. They ask questions, I answer them. If I have questions, I get answers.]
You?ve gone to great lengths to fill us in with back story and character details so we can understand the log line. [Right.]
Details we shouldn?t have to know: A log line has to stand on its own, on its own 30 words. it shouldn?t require hundreds of words of explanation. [That's what I am still trying to do. I am not sure how to cut it down any further. That is why I am still asking for help.]
And the only target audience who don?t need all that explanation to grasp the log line are the few fish in that one fish bowl in Hollyweird. [Ok.]
Ultimately, you have to craft the log line for that small audience. [So, which am I supposed to target? All of the fish or the ones that I will have to first see, i. e., the few fish in the fishbowl?]
But it seems we are not representative of that small audience ? not even avid fans of the series as you are.
Consequently, there is a limit to the feedback we can give. [Ok. So, how do I wrap up the log line and bring it down to the industry standard.]

Presario2000:

You've obviously put a lot of thought and time into your story. But as I said in an aside exchange, the challenge of writing a logline for an episode for an established TV series is different than for a pure spec story created ex nihilo.

It seems to me that all the feedback you've gotten indicates you've got a dilemma. Either you can write a log line with a juicy hook that appeals to all the fish in the ocean (of which the visitors to this site constitute a representative sample). OR you can bait the hook to target a few fish -- in one fish bowl: the producers and directors of the TV series in Hollyweird.

But you can't do both.

You seem to have dismissed or rebutted almost every comment posted. You've gone to great lengths to fill us in with back story and character details so we can understand the log line.

Details we shouldn't have to know: A log line has to stand on its own, on its own 30 words. it shouldn't require hundreds of words of explanation.

And the only target audience who don't need all that explanation to grasp the log line are the few fish in that one fish bowl in Hollyweird. Ultimately, you have to craft the log line for that small audience. But it seems we are not representative of that small audience -- not even avid fans of the series as you are. Consequently, there is a limit to the feedback we can give.

Like I said, I'm no expert, but do you need the whole, "U. S. DoD PsyOps Division", seems almost too Clancy.

How exactly does it lose you?

I know I am NO expert, so take this for what it's worth. It seems wildly specific with the "DoD" line...kinda loses me.