In order to be with the girl he loves, Jason Blackthorne, a young Goth from the city must win the respect of a country town, overcome the corruption of local law enforcement and earn the trust of the girl?s father; a man he once tried to rob. All whilst being dragged into a search for Ned Kelly's lost stash of gold by an ex-criminal.

Thanks Geno, this is good feedback thanks. I'll strip it down;

An introverted young Goth must stand up to a murderous cop and free a country town of corruption to win back the girl of his dreams.

There are certain "rules" or guidelines for writing an effective logline here that are not being followed, thus resulting in something less than spectacular.

First, you are offering up too much information, some of which is not needed to create a logline. Remember, this is not a synopsis of the entire story. You only want to highlight the major plotline. To keep it from being too wordy, you should try to limit yourself to 30 words, 25 if possible.

I teach the use of the acronym "LOGLINE" in order for writers to remember what the elements of the logline they should address and try to include IN the logline (yes, in under thrity words, too. If it were easy, everybody would be experts!)

L = Lead. This is your protagonist. Unless they are famous and are a household name, do NOT use their name in the logline. Always use one or two perfectly descriptive adjectives when describing your lead.

O = Obstacles. What is preventin your protag from achieving his goal? Speaking of goals...

G = Goals. What are the protag's goal/goals?

L = Lose. What does your protag stand to lose if he/she fails to accomplish their goal? Also referred to as "stakes".

I = Irony. It helps a logline to include irony, as it more clearly defines a conflict. A sheriff of a coastal town who is afraid of water; a heart-broken wedding singer; a garbage collector who is a compulsive clean-freak.

N = New and Unique. This is your "hook". What is it about YOUR story that is different from all of the others in that genre? You MUST have a hook (most important).

E = Enemy. For every protagonist, there is an ANTAGONIST. Use perfectly descriptive adjectives to define your antag. The enemy MUST BE a specific person. It cannot be "the military" or "the government". A person was properly represent that entity.

When these elements are defined, you affix them into a sentence, always beginning with a FUTURE TIME CLAUSE like "When", "As", "Because", "After", etc. and the logline generally writes itself.

The TONE of the logline should indicate GENRE. This is highly important.

Good luck!

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge