Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
YOUTH – TSI “Mirror”
The video could be an heartfelt message shot by the son knowing that he was going to die (uncurable disease, suicide ...).
It could be the last time father and son had together. You have to have the son alive in there.
Moreover I do not think that filming a funeral would work in that context. Also who would do the eulogy? The father? Then who is filming? If father is excluded from the eulogy, then father and son must not have been that close or father and mother have a problem with each other. I would that they could both put their difference aside just the time of the ceremony.
"Concerning a son dying ? how would we shoot that? Him on a sickbed?"
No, I meant to feature the son happy and well and playing at a park or something. (I am Anonymous, above. Something went funky with the log in). I didn't mean literally the son's dying breath. Just the last happy memory. That final happy memory is on that footage.
When this one is trapped in a gang fight, a distraught Father unites (or binds) with the teen who stole his camera containing his son?s funeral footage.?
Hi caleb,
Hi guys,
A distraught Father must save or let die the ashamed teen who stole his camera that contains the final footage of his just deceased son.?
That's not very representative of your story I'm afraid.
A gang fight unites a distraught Father with the teen who stole his camera containing the final footage of his just deceased son.? (if wright in English)
I assume his son just die because he seemes not ta have saved this footage on a computer (this is the first fing i'd do in the same circumstances)
Yep - I was referring to loglines in regards to 30/ 25 words and under -- certainly not script length :)
I think my point is that, based upon your posted logline, there are too many specifics that don't actually add to the overall picture of what the story is about (this has been mentioned by others above...) -- giving yourself of a word count goal with loglines forces you to just get to the nuts and bolts of the story... a 7 minute - 15 minute short film, I would expect, would not have too many complexities ... In fact -- try shooting for a description of the film in 10 to 15 words... -- get to the heart of it -- don't worry about setting, inciting incident, or the specifics, that to you might seem vitally important -- just get to the OVERALL/ 'straight to the point' of what it is ABOUT. From there you can find room to play...
Anyway -- sounds like it's got good potential and I wish you the best of luck with shooting it and getting it shown at Tropfest.
I'm guessing you're talking about loglines? No problems.
The script I wrote is seven pages in Courier 12 but I now write scripts in New Courier 11 -- it takes up more pages but developing my own style.
"A father must choose between his heart and mind..." -- sorry, but imo this makes no real sense and tells me nothing specifically about the story.
For a short you really need to keep it as trim as possible -- features you can get away with 30 words, but a short should be able to be expressed in 25 or under...
"A distraught Father tracks down a gang of youths who steal his camera that contains the final footage of his recently deceased son."
Best of luck with it.
There's a scene where the drug-affected Youth is on the wharf at Darling Harbour at night, he goes through the footage saved. And we just hear the protag's eulogy. Over the shoulder. A heart-breaking poem then the Youth turns the camera off. Guilt and shame.
Concerning a son dying -- how would we shoot that? Him on a sickbed? But then how will the audience know he's dying... Hence I had to go with the funeral eulogy.
It's powerful.
You can add me on facebook -- use the same name here on there and I give you guys a look at the script.
I still think, as a father myself, that nothing would be more emotionally wrenching than losing footage of my son's last moments alive.
A tweak on Jean-Marie's log line:
A father must choose between his heart and his mind when he witnesses a brutal gang attacking the young thief who swiped the camera with footage of his son's last moments alive.
It also helps to put the emotional emphasis at the end of a sentence.
When a tormented father, whose camera in which the footage of his son?s funeral is saved was stolen, spots his young thief being chased to death by a rival gang, he must choose between what his heart and his mind are calling for.?
"When a tormented father spots the teen who stole his camera, with the footage of his son?s funeral, being chased to death by a rival gang, he must choose between what his heart and his mind are calling for."
Hey Caleb,
Okay, got it and it sounds like you're taking it in a good direction.
Hi Caleb,
I didn't understand you're working on a short! Sorry.
Spoiler -- he helps his attacker. :)
The script is done, coming just in under seven pages but Karel's helping me with it on Thursday to work out the tinks and dinks of it all. It's for Tropfest so there's almost next to no dialogue except the bashing scene which is recorded all through the Camera's POV -- I wanted to make sure we see no ACTUAL VIOLENCE but allude to it in a major way. More effective. This has been in the works for two years now and it was only after Karel's classes that I started to piece together everything into a cohorent story.
Hey Caleb,
The questions below are largely rhetorical - you don't need to answer them here but they could help you clarify and focus your logline.
Regarding the goal, think about where your protagonist starts - he's a heartbroken guy holding onto the past. Memories, footage etc. Does he get it back? Will he be spiritually better off by going through this journey if he recovers the camera and the footage? What if he gets the camera, but the footage is gone? How did his son die? Was it in some kind of street violence?
Also to have "resolution/resolve" as a goal is too vague. What is he trying to resolve? The theft of the footage or the torment? How will we (the audience) know that the torment is gone? His torment isn't caused by the camera being stolen, but by his son's death. The two are connected, but not causally.
In the logline he's taking photos of a sunset. This is something most of us do all the time - if facebook feeds are anything to go by :) My point? What the guy's doing needs to reveal his torment. It's a clich? now, but think of Riggs at the start of Lethal Weapon or Kurt Russell's character at the beginning of Stargate. It's crystal clear, couldn't read as anything other than, 'My kid died and I'm destroyed'. Find a new way of doing that and we'll be right there with him.
Stakes - your stakes here aren't really stakes. What's at stake for the photographer is what he stands to lose or gain in the pursuit of this objective (hint - it's not the footage). The important thing here is that the outcome of the stakes should be ambiguous until the story resolves. He could succeed and learn an important lesson, fail, and he might die.
From what you describe in that section it sounds like your protagonist doesn't help the kid who stole his camera. The idea of of the attacker being attacked and his fate resting in the hands of a distraught father who he mugged the day before is a great idea. This is a real, honest-to-goodness dilemma, one that most of us would want to know the outcome of that moment.
As it's written above, there's no conflict - father gets beaten, finds attacker, attacker gets beaten, father doesn't help. That choice and it's consequences could make for some great storytelling but at the moment, the father is a passive spectator watching someone else do the 'dirty work' and I lose interest in him as a character.
You mention that the father is fragile, if he's fragile at the start and in the middle and doing nothing to change that, how does he go from victim to victor? Does he deserve this change, if so, why?
Regardless of my thoughts, your notes reveal a much more complex story than is being communicated in the logline. The trick is getting them into the logline and using that as your target for writing the script.
Thank you for the great advice. I'll break it down.
Goal - What does the Photographer want? Resolve. His inner journey is simple, he's tormented by the death of his son. What he needs to do? Anything to resolve those inner journey issues relating to his son's death and retrieving a very important piece of footage back to him.
Stakes - SPOILER. The Photographer spots his main attacker the next morning. Following him, he sees him being chased by a rival graffiti crew... His life is in danger as either has the option to watch on and satisfy some revenge fantasy but his fragility won't allow it as his main attacker is gang-bashed in an ironic twist.
Arc - We see him go from victim to victor. The photographer I mean whilst the main Youth goes from staunch artist to victim.
Hello Caleb,
I've read the other replies, but thought I should respond to the logline as-is. My own feeling is that when the same note comes up several times, it's worth paying attention to.
It's unclear to me whose story this will be - the bereaved father or the kids who take the camera?
It's also unclear what the story is about - I only get the inciting incident from the logline, information about a camera and what's on it. Without more I don't have an idea of what the story is going to be about. I can infer several possibilities but it must be clear.
Footage of a funeral; it's not the stuff of fond memories and I can't recall ever seeing anyone with a camera at a funeral. You can also save a few words by removing the camera make and model.
Some other questions I might ask myself if, sorry if they seem pedantic but they came to mind:
Does it matter what he's taking pictures of?
Do people who are heartbroken head to the beach to take pictures of sunsets? (it is a logical link you make in the logline)
Why didn't he back up the footage? Would we have shot the funeral anyway? (character note - is the father scatty?)
All that said, I think the initial setup has a lot to offer, especially if the kids are more than just thugs.
Hi Caleb,
I assume this is the same story you posted on Mar 16, 2014.
Your current logline doesn't remind exactly the same story because it points to very different things.
It would be a great help if you tell us what are the differences between the two stories, and a little more about the plot.
I agree with Slingink about the model of the camera. The shorter and complete your logline is, the better it is, because it focuses only on all the most important points for the reader (plot, main characters, stakes...).
You have:
- an inciting incident,
- a hero,
- maybe two flaws (he's grieving, what if something wrong is saved on his camera near his son's funeral?),
- some angagonists ( the gang ) but maybe more (?: the police...),
but:
- no clear goal (what does he want/need to do),
- no clear stake (what happens if he fails),
- no clear arc (in your former post, it was seeming that something important happens between him and the leader of the gang; ...),
When a group of Youth steal a camera and save their (grisly) exploits near the footage of the owner's son funeral, he (is confronted to a problem he must resolve before... / must do something), ( in order to...), (-possibly- as something else occurs that...)...?
Hope this can help.
2. It's actually footage not photos.
1. Get rid of the camera model in the logline.
2. Who takes pictures at a funeral? This would be significantly more emotional and compelling if the camera had the pictures of his son's last days alive.
A father seeks a man who stole a camera with pictures of his son?s last days alive, until the man pursues him, for the pictures also captured some damning evidence.
He's not seeking revenge but he does want the Camera back. The Photographer is the protagonist but as we switch POVS from the protag to the Youths -- the second half of the short is them partying out in the City.
It should be added "leading to a fateful encounter between he and his main attacker."
I could be way off here, but I'm wondering what the photographer is going to do as I assume he will be the protag? Not really knowing where your story is going I'll give you a logline: Still heartbroken over his son?s death, a photographer seeks revenge on a gang of youth who stole the camera that holds the only copy of his son?s funeral.