FOUR BALLS – When a forgotten employee finds himself playing with his boss in a work's golf tournament, he decides to hire a so-called professional to join him. Complications arise when the professinal turns out to be a disaster prone walking accident.

by cicpisces 0 pts 1,077 views

A forgotten employee yearns for his chance to shine in the company after being over looked. When he gets drawn to play his boss in a four ball golf tournament he decides to hire a professional from the net to impress him. Unfortunately the professional turns out to be highly accident prone, and the employee has to pull some unorthodox moves to save his reputation.

2 reviews

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

Definitely comedy, that's one thing I think the logline achieves. I can see the comedy and what will ensue but I still don't see the story. It reminds of Cannonball Run or Caddyshack, but both those those films have clear outer goals, to win.

I guess the so-called professional is the mentor, but mentoring him for what? Does he want to win the tournament badly? And why is it so important that he hires somebody.

I also wasn't sure who the antagonist was, the boss? And what is at stake if he loses? Why does he have to win the competition? For me, that's a really important part missing.

I just have a small issue with the word, 'forgotten'. In terms of character, it makes him sympathetic and perhaps even signals a flaw, but the word is unclear and in what context is he forgotten, at work, in his department, by his family or was he left in the parking lot?

I like the idea and think there is a lot of scope for comedy but think the story would benefit from a stronger logline as it would begin to flag after the comedy has stopped being funny.

Dave Trendall (Judge)

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

FOUR BALLS ? When a forgotten employee finds himself playing with his boss in a work's golf tournament, he decides to hire a so-called professional to join him. Complications arise when the professinal turns out to be a disaster prone walking accident.

There surely is potential for comedy.

Despite the irony, I find the inciting incident weak: "finds himself playing with his boss."

More importantly, what is the employee's specific goal? To win the tournament, so he is noticed by his boss? Can it be more specific? Does he want a promotion? What are the stakes?

What does it mean the so-called pro 'joins him'? Is he playing with him? For him? Is he teaching our hero?

It is not entirely clear what our hero will do other than play golf. If the 'pro' is going to stuff up, it seems to me that all the action will be around him.

Perhaps we need somewhat more clarity about that 2nd act.

Finally, avoid typos in your logline... Ultimately you'll need to convince people to read your full screenplay and the logline needs to be the calling card.