Fiddle,young talented violin player is about to run away from most hated things in his life – the violin and his father that painfully bullies him into play all his life.Only thing that turns up as a obstacle is Fiddle?s evil mind, personified as a mysterious being that evokes a a very radical thoughts inside him.

I see sounds to me like you have 2 antagonists the evil part of his split personality and the father.

Why not choose one and keep that one in the logline that will help to narrow down the descriptions of the obstacle. Also no need to name it as an obstacle by the way just describe the way in which it hinders his efforts.

Nir.

Thank you,much appreciated. I went through all the notes you?ve written.

This is supposed to be short play, I was up to put only essential things into my logline. What I wanted to perform as a essential im my screenwriting ( I?ve already written a screenplay, it doesn?t mean is written well though,I keep rewriting it every day) is how antagonist disturbs MC?s escape plan and forces him to carry out revenge.

Why and when the MC starts his journey away from the father and suffering is mentioned in the beginning of the story,but that?s not a breakpoint,twistpoint .( I just dont want to make it substantial )

To describe the stakes high enough, I changed the context of logline :

Young violin player,bullied by his father all his life into playing violin,finally braves himself to runaway and start a new life.Only thing turns up as a obstacle - his evil mind, personified by mysterious being that evokes radical thought - stay and punish all of those responsible for his suffering, once and for all.

I am struggling with this logline, I ve got so many ideas how to fullfil what you recomend, but everytime I find myself writing the whole story into a logline.

In advance, thank you very much for next advise.

This is vague because the MC is "...about to..." do something rather than do something. Milos Forman once said in an interview that in film a tree is not about to be, or like a, rather is a tree. Point is its better to write decisive than potential, especially in a logline. On the same point the insighting incident needs to be specified so we can see why and when the MC starts his journey away from the father.

Secondly the antagonist evoking radical thoughts seams unclear as an obstacle either the thought or the result of the thought needs to be clarified. This being an internal obstacle weakens its power as one and perhaps more external influences need to be invented to stop him from running.

Lastly the stakes don't appear to be high enough or clear enough as to what they are. If he doesn't run away he will be made to keep on playing... dosn't seams to scary. Good reference would be 'Shine' David Helfgott went mad as a result of continuing to play.

Also there were several grammar errors, for example: "...evokes a a very radical thoughts..." should be - evokes a radical thought.

Hope this helps.