Celebrity hairdresser was falsely accused for kidnapping a secret son of the mayor of New York and he has to deliver him to a real kidnappers to save the life of his mother because of her large gambling debt.

by Alan Smithee 20 pts

4 reviews

FFF 7,850 pts

Hello,

I think you have some good elements in you story but in my opinion you didn't selected them properly and built the logline with the elements in the ?proper order.

The goal appears to be saving the main character's mother. So, the inciting incident should be something like the mother being menaced by the mob.

Or, the goal is to prove his innoncence and the inciting incident the accusation of kinapping the son. The mother's debt could be just a B story that doesn't need to be mentioned in the logline.

Chose your spine and write the logline on it.

Neer Shelter 55,464 pts

The plot is unclear.
Is this a story of the hairdresser clearing his name? Or is this the story of the hairdresser saving his mother?

I'm sure you mean that the A plot is him saving his mother, but the first half of the logline describes something else. I suggest that you focus on one central plot in the logline.?

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

A quick point that will help your logline. A logline should be written in the present tense. "When a celebrity hairdresser 'is' falsely accused..."

The reason for this is that things happen on the screen right now.

dpg 112,231 pts

Here is how the logline breaks out with the template I use to evaluate loglines, particularly required elements. ?Fwiw and hope is helps.

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Question: Answer:
What is the hook? Since it's a comedy, I'm guessing it?s the situation.? It's a fish-out-of water story where a hairdresser is thrust into a situation beyond his experience and expertise.
Who is the protagonist? Hairdresser
What is his character strength? He's good enough at his job and self-promotion to have celebrity status.
What is his character flaw or weakness? He's a fish out of water.
What is the inciting incident (II)? He's falsely accused of kidnapping a child.
What becomes his objective goal (OG)? He must deliver the secret son to the real kidnappers.? But this is a wrong goal.? The right goal is to save both.
Is there a clear,strong cause and effect link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)? There appears to be missing causal links, more questions than information or clues that can be inferred from what's stated.? Like: 1] If he's falsely accused, that means he doesn't have the secret son, right?? So how can he deliver the son to the real kidnappers?? How does he get custody of the kid?? 2] How does he even know about the son, if the son is supposed to be a secret? 3] Who makes him to deliver the son?? Why can't the kidnappers do the job themselves?
Is the OG forced or voluntary? Involuntary.? I presume they'll kill him if he doesn't do what he's told.
Why? What are the stakes? The lives of the son and the mother.
Is there a ticking clock? No. ?But there ought to be to add urgency, enhance dramatic tension.
Who is the antagonist? The kidnappers.
What is the subjective need? (Not a required element in a logline but implied by the character flaw) Other than that he is a fish out of water, I don't see one.? And maybe that is sufficient.
My take away: The chain of cause-and-effect that connects the inciting incident to the objective goal has some missing links. And it seems to me, the "secret son" may be an outdated story gimmick given that out of wedlock scandals are no longer the political dynamite they used to be.? Least of all in a city with voters as cosmopolitan, worldly and cynical as the Big Apple.? Now, if the story is set in a time period when it was political dynamite, then the logline needs to indicate this.