As a cursed detective struggles to contain the wolf within, he suspects he is being framed for murder. With the true killer desperate to expose the existence of werewolves, the detective must accept the beast within… or be lost to the wolf forever.

I don't mean to come off as judgmental or condescending, but besides writing scripts for a living, I also operate The Script Mentor (www.thescriptmentor.com), specifically to help newer writers from making expensive mistakes (I apologize for making huge leaps and assumptions here). Since I do not know you, I am apologizing up front. When I hear "I'm going to L.A. next month to try to get representation", I become very concerned, and if you are open to some thoughts and suggestions on that front (a "checklist" if you will), you may contact me. It is how we prepare our mentees for any such plans.

Now, about the logline: You had to write a lot of words to make a clearer picture, and I still have questions. The logline doesn't necessarily have to tell ALL of the story, with every nuance and twist, but we should have a GOOD IDEA of the story just from reading it, and have our imagination fill in the holes.

The good news is I sort of figured out the general plot from your original logline, which supports my opinion of it being "a good start". The problem, I think, does lie in the plausibility of the plot. I'm not understanding why his mentor- the actual killer- who's goal is to expose the true existence of werewolves, not just expose the detective for being a werewolf? Or are you saying that the killer is making it seem like there's a werewolf, but doesn't really believe in them?

Lastly, your protag is in conflict: to either spend his life in prison (or be executed) or choose to expose himself as a werewolf, and somehow try to convince people he's NOT the killer? Seems to me, if he exposed his wolfness, it would only go to stregthen the case against him.

Plausibility is a huge issue in many stories, so don't feel as though I'm picking on you. I'm not. With this confused (at least on my part) plot issue, the logline can't be any better than it is, IMO, and yours will be as good as anything I could possibly suggest. I'm all about helping, but sometimes even I get tapped out on ideas that doesn't include major changes.

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge

Haha! Thanks! I didn't mean to sound ungrateful.

I felt that having a detective who is (a) a werewolf and (b) framed for murder would be enough of a hook.

The detective has not "accepted" his curse as he ties himself up in silver chains every full moon, causing himself agony.

The killer indeed knows he is a werewolf, but sets up a series of horrific murders every full moon in order sow the seeds in the public's mind whilst at the same time trying to convince the detective to reveal his secret (the detective is obviously not aware that his mentor is in fact the killer).

In order to prevail, the detective has to actively choose to Turn, to welcome the beast, to do everything he does not believe in.

And I do need a good logline because I am heading to LA next month to try and get representation. So, given the above story... I need a better logline to address your reactions.

Thanks so much again for engaging in this conversation!

Hi, Chas!

Actually the feedback was my direct response TO the logline, and since the logline is supposed to reflect the story, any weaknesses (and strengths) of a concept and/or story is almost ALWAYS reflected through the logline.

If you've handled the problems that I pointed out, then whatever changes you made to correct those issues need to be addresses in the logline. Sounds to me like you may have fixed one, but not the other.

I'm not entirely sure you can translate what I said in my earlier post to mean that "while my script is good". Clearly, if you are missing the "hook" in the logline, there's a pretty good chance it is also absent in the story. If you have one in the story, then just highlight it in the new logline. Easy peasy.
But...

...since you indicated that the script written "attracted a producer", I'm sure even having a logline is immaterial at this point- unless, of course, the producer doesn't buy it or option it from you. I hope he does.

It appears that I've done all I can, and anything I can add will only muck up what you've accomplished thus far. Sounds like you have it under control.

Good luck going forward!