18 reviews
"Having stolen magical artifacts from an evil king, a Mage learns the truth behind their powers when he is trapped?and his consciousness split?in an alternate realm. Now he must engage a young pupil in the common realm and teach him the ways of advanced magic so, together, they can stop the king from amassing an army and ruling the five realms. (too many words)"
Yes, you're right. I realized without the king there's no stakes in one of my versions. Maybe use the split consciousness more ambiguously in the logline. You don't?really give its purpose, but hint at it.
Just a suggestion for the actual film, because your story is complicated, focus less on the teaching part and use that time to flesh out the villain.?Why does the king want to rule the five realms?
I suggest making it more personal, honestly, rather than rule the realms. Something like, the artifact from the common realm is a prized possession to the king's family, and then the arrogant, powerful Mage takes it for himself and hides it, something that is the king's reminder to his lost family.
I mean honestly, how many fantasy films have "want to rule the world" villains? What if all he wants is to take back what his family has always guarded, something special to him. And he's willing to do anything to get it back. Or something like that. Just a thought.
Because do we?really?need another rule the world villain?
Anyway, here's another stab at it:
When a Mage is imprisoned in another realm for stealing an artifact and split from his consciousness, he must return to the common realm to stop the king from amassing an inter-dimensional army.?(~33 words)
"You made me realize something. I need to be more willing to write down more variations on the loglines, even when I know they?re not quite right."
Yep, until you have everything the way you like it, you should think of alternatives. Even when you do have something you like, try to find something better.
Personally, the first story I ever thought of in sixth grade, I still haven't finished it. It's changed a dozen times and only now, 6 years later do I even have an idea I truly like, that I'm really excited to write. (I merged it with another one of my ideas, making it much more franchise-able. ?It's actually set in the same universe as my first logline, the bio-terrorist one.)
"In a sense, Dkpough1, his split consciousness is, all three. You might compare it to being a young clone of himself (a character). He needs to raise (a goal) and train it to be just as or more powerful as/than he is (tool).?Keep in mind, this is separate from the pupil in the common realm. He has to train them both, then they have to use their combined powers to open a portal that would release him from this alternate realm."
-I think this part here is the part your logline should be about. Drop the evil king and paint the story as a powerful mage who is used to being able to do things with a wave of his hand, i.e alone, now having to rely on a young pupil and his 'clone'. Maybe make him be arrogant and then learn to be humble.
"Now, I didn?t list this, because it gets complicated, but one of the primary obstacles is that the Mage and the alternate realm that they are in is tied to an artifact in the common realm. As long as they are within proximity to each other, their powers increase, and, as well, they can communicate more easily."
-I need a little clarification. So are you referring to Mage and pupil in the common realm in this part? Because you go on to say that the clone and the Mage get stronger/weaker depending on their distance.
Suggestion:?A Mage, separated from his Consciousness and trapped in an alternate dimension, must communicate with his pupil in his original dimension so they can combine their power so he can return home.?(~32 words)
I'm not sure I like this because it doesn't raise any stakes. Maybe you could try dropping the other pupil in the logline and then maybe focus on the King.
A Mage and his Consciousness must return to their original dimension so they can stop a corrupt King from amassing an inter-dimensional army so he can kill all of the mages in the world.?(~36 words.)
Just made up the kill mages part, but this one gives the Mage a reason to need to return.
One last try:?When a Mage finds out his corrupt King is amassing an inter-dimensional army, the Mage, split from his consciousness, must return to his dimension in order to stop him.?(29 words)
Thank you for continuing on with this discussion, guys. It makes me think I really have something potentially great here. Hopefully I can meet that expectation
You're both right. I need to tie in the "split consciousness" to the logline so it's more than just intriguing, but integral.
In a sense, Dkpough1, his split consciousness is, all three. You might compare it to being a young clone of himself (a character). He needs to raise (a goal) and train it to be just as or more powerful as/than he is (tool).
Keep in mind, this is separate from the pupil in the common realm. He has to train them both, then they have to use their combined powers to open a portal that would release him from this alternate realm.
Now, I didn't list this, because it gets complicated, but one of the primary obstacles is that the Mage and the alternate realm that they are in is tied to an artifact in the common realm. As long as they are within proximity to each other, their powers increase, and, as well, they can communicate more easily.
Back to the [clone]...just like with the artifact, their individual powers increase when they are in proximity to each other.
One common obstacle to be expected is frustration with the training, causing one or more to walk away. This would weaken the powers of each character, leaving each to work on their own, with their limited powers, to defeat their individual obstacles and villains.
I'm a bit frazzled with other things right now, so I'm not thinking clear enough to write up a satisfactory draft. I'll return to this when I get a chance.