5 reviews
Excellent. It clearly states the protagonist, their goal and the obstacles in their way. It definitely intrigues one to imagine the different scenarios, even comedic that can arise from the situation. One can wonder, that is what one wants the reader to do, how they will be challenged and how they will survive. If your aim is to have them running all the mafias (the opposite of their goal),? then you should include this as the main twist and conclusion to the story.
Yes a turf war between ?coffee shops can be funny and original. As a logline, I miss a clear inciting event (what is the first act of war?). I wonder if opening the coffee shop can be the inciting event. And I miss a goal and clear stakes. How does the fact that they are con men affect tge story? It seems to me that this help them to win the war, or do they learn that a clean business is harder than they thought... in other words, what is the main conflict?
More often than not lengthy constructive and well thought out responses are misunderstood, and perceived by the logliner as a negative attitude on the reviewer's behalf. Nothing could be further from the truth, as most of the reviewers dedicate time to read and understand your loglines and in their own way help out. What is seen as negative could just be a rushed response that mentions key points, still helpful and considerate though.
About this logline. It reads as if them getting pulled into the turf war is the inciting incident, best to bring this in earlier and, as DPG mentioned, give them a goal.
If this is a dual protagonist plot then their outer journey should be the same where as their inner journeys can be different from each others, as a result of this best to mention the outer journey only. If you try and describe an inner journey for each character, the logline will be rather long and possibly confusing.
My try:
After two ex cons go strait as caffe shop owners, they get caught up in a coffee turf war and must win the national barista Olympics to prove their mochachino-frappe-latte is the top dog of all coffees.