5 reviews
Instead of what? Victim of what? Almost old enough is rather vague; why can't she leave now? How is "gypsy criminal" not racist? It sounds racist. And it isn't clear what the story is, or the conflict. Give us the basics, be specific, avoid commas.
By checking the useful page of Our Formula, you will see the three essential elements of a strong logline:
- Event
- Character
- Action
1. Event
What's the story's inciting incident? The fact that she got old enough to leave home? How dramatic is that as an event? Don't we need something surprising and dramatic?
2. Character
A teen Gypsy mom, I guess? She wants to leave home, but she has some domineering relatives.
3. Action
Missing. You have nothing for her to do, during the whole film. As Richiev said, "Becoming a victim is not a story."
By the way, by writing "her gypsy family criminal ways" you show prejudice: since she is a Gypsy, her family must have some criminal ways. It is also syntactically wrong. The correct form (still prejudiced though) is "the criminal ways of her Gypsy family."
By checking the useful page of Our Formula, you will see the three essential elements of a strong logline:
- Event
- Character
- Action
1. Event
What's the story's inciting incident? The fact that she got old enough to leave home? How dramatic is that as an event? Don't we need something surprising and dramatic?
2. Character
A teen Gypsy mom, I guess? She wants to leave home, but she has some domineering relatives.
3. Action
Missing. You have nothing for her to do, during the whole film. As Richiev said, "Becoming a victim is not a story."
By the way, by writing "her gypsy family criminal ways" you show prejudice: since she is a Gypsy, her family must have some criminal ways. It is also syntactically wrong. The correct form (still prejudiced though) is "the criminal ways of her Gypsy family."