A selfish drunkard is forced to run a startup and fight powerful government agencies after he inherits it from his righteous entrepreneur best friend who died mysteriously.

by hobbes 119 pts

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6 reviews

dwon Logliner · 141 pts ★ Accepted

When his tech genius best friend dies mysteriously, a Luddite wastrel must complete his invention while fighting off a brigade of spooks intent on capturing it.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

You should always think about writing the logline from the perspective of the lead character: for instance.

You write (Revision 1): A righteous entrepreneur dies mysteriously while battling autocratic leader...

From the lead character's point of view: When his best friend is murdered while battling an autocratic leader...

hobbes 119 pts

Revision 1 (I am not sure if putting protagonist later is a good idea .. suggestions welcome)

A righteous entrepreneur dies mysteriously while batting autocratic leader politically; his self-centered drunkard best friend now has to run the startup he inherited and avenge his friend’s death.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

Your story begins with a best friend who dies mysteriously, but you put that at the end of your logline.

You should start the logline with what sets the story in motion.

savinh0 Samurai · 3,334 pts

Some questions:

  • Why is he forced to run the startup?  Does he work for his friend before and take over the company after his friend dies?

 

  • Why does he have to fight powerful government agencies as the leader of a startup?

 

  • What's going on with the death of his best friend? You say, he died mysteriously. Does the selfish drunkard investigate the death of his best friend or not? I'm inclined to think so, because otherwise you wouldn't put mysterious into your story.

 

  • "Fight powerful government agencies" is too generic in my opinion. Try to find something more visual.

 

savinh0 Samurai · 3,334 pts

Some questions:

  • Why is he forced to run the startup? Does he work for his friend before and take over the company after his friend dies?

 

  • Why does he have to fight powerful government agencies as the leader of a startup?

 

  • What's going on with the death of his best friend? You say, he died mysteriously. Does the selfish drunkard investigate the death of his best friend or not? I'm inclined to think so, because otherwise you wouldn't put mysterious into your story.

 

  • "Fight powerful government agencies" is too generic in my opinion. Try to find something more visual.