A friend house sits a two story cabin alone in the quiet mountains unaware someone else is there watching his every move.

by Clint Pittenger 0 pts 906 views

My last time pitching this logline.. lol. I just needed to get some feedback, and tweak it. This logline is related to the story DEFENSELESS, which started with While a FATHER, but I’ve received some excellent pointers.. If I’m closer on this I’ll finish it later but let me know what you think now… If you haven’t read the other two it would be hard to compare. Right Monique? Email me soon…. Thanks everyone!

5 reviews

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

I agree, it needs a bit more of a punch. I like monimata's suggestion. It's more of a hook.

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

Third time is a charm...:-) I like what you have to say monimata. You make an excellent point! Thank you

Former member Penpusher · 20 pts

Hi Clint,

Third time's the charm :) I think Lilian's take is getting you closer but I still think you're missing an opportunity to punch up the logline. "A friend" is too vague and blah - we want to be intrigued about your protag but we can't get excited about just a "friend". Who is this guy (assuming it's a guy)? What's his occupation? What's his flaw? Why are you being coy about who this guy is?

I realize that there's a B story involving this guys' friend and his missing son, but since you left it out, I'm making a suggestion just based on a guy alone in a cabin:

An alcoholic writer [insert flaw/occupation] retreats to a quiet mountain cabin, unaware that his every move is being watched by an unknown presence.

Still clunky, and I'm making presumptions about the "unknown presence", but now I can visualize a movie. I think...:/