steveylang

1,145 points

1,355 points to Mentor

3 loglines
47 reviews

Loglines

Tortured by past mistakes and betrayals, an ex-con sets out to avenge the death of his best friend, but struggles to complete his mission when he discovers a boy that may be his son.

September 28, 2015
A lifelong wimp must learn to finally stand up for himself when his son is bullied by a mean boy with an even meaner dad.

September 28, 2015
A desperate CEO’s legally ambiguous plans to save his company are undermined when he is blackmailed by a mysterious ex-employee.

September 25, 2015

Recent reviews

on Stranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.

I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different- I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane…
on When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.

Besides what Nir said, you've only described the first 15-20 pages.
on EDITED: A bored flight attendant?s life is turned upside down when she is mistaken for the accomplice of one of her passengers, a charming thief on the run from the mob

When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she... I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and…
on EDITED: When a government experiment goes awry, a docile housewife teams up with an ambitious genetic engineer to defend New York City from the man-eating children created from her eggs

This is actually kind of awesome.! I have no idea how 'marketable' this is as a movie, but probably has at least some potential as a horror/action type of movie. I hope the script you have in mind goes over…
on EDITED: Desperate to save their TV show from cancellation, two feuding co-stars, an aging actress and a troubled younger actor, enter a fabricated public romance to boost ratings

DylanK nailed the feedback- you have a great premise, but a logline must set up the premise and also describe the main plot line or conflict.?So you've basically described the first 25 pages or so, what happens in the next…
on A distrusting psychic interrogator, who steals information by entering a suspect?s mind, becomes infected by a recent suspect’s consciousness and must team up with his inner demons to stop his mind being taking over .

This one is really interesting! Your logline gives an idea of what the psychic must do ("team up with inner demons"), but could be a bit more specific. A simple re-word gives this- A distrusting psychic interrogator that?steals information directly…
on After being taken by a sadistic boy, a toy sheriff with an annoying space toy must find a way back to the real owner.

You get bonus points here for efficiency! The funny thing about TOY STORY is trying to connote in a smooth way that the leads are action figure type toys.?I think 'space toy' comes off a bit weird, it could be…
on To pay off damage done at a party, a 20 year old slacker high school burnout has to share a paper route with his 12 year old overachieving neighbor.

You have the beginnings of a rom-com premise- the 2 different, unlikely love leads. But you need the situation or hook that brings them together, it typically can't just be "he likes her" and pursues her through the conventional ways.Usually…
on Four friends, who are all about to go through some life changing experiences. The Brotherhood is about to become The Fatherhood. And it isn’t going to be easy

This subject is generally interesting, but not nearly descriptive enough for a logline, as you've described a general life experience. For example, Wild Hogs is about 4 friends who have a middle-age crisis, well that's pretty ordinary. But the hook…
on A very rich and upright businessman has been diagnosed with a disease that requires an organ transplant. He now considers buying an organ from the black market and is under pressure to cut corners to survive.

I like the possibilities here. I assume the story is not about him 'considering' finding a black market organ, it's about him actually pursuing it (whether or not he does it in the end):A rich, upright businessman is?diagnosed with a…
on a delusional and conniving narcissist manipulates an introverted millionaire, that’s undergoing a crisis, to room with him and his workaholic best friend to fund his ideas on becoming the next Elon Musk.

as dpg wrote- "When a conniving narcissist manipulates an introverted millionaire to fund his ideas for the next Big Thing in Silicon Valley, he must?"?Fill in the rest of that sentence, and that's a pretty good?logline.There is also the workaholic…
on A fired telemarketer fakes the paperwork to become a family physician. When her patients start to see through the lie, she realizes she’s in the perfect position to silence them.

This one got a chuckle out of me (in a good way), because I had just read about a medical practice being shut down for over billing and having totally unqualified personnel performing operations. Who's the protagonist in the story?…
on Copernicus’ Secret: It takes a lifetime for Nicolaus Copernicus to re-write our understanding of the Universe but plagued by self-doubt and fear, he’s unwilling to publish until a Protestant Professor risks imprisonment to convince him to publish. ★ Accepted

I really like this, a significant scientific/historical subject with a great dramatic conflict and storyline.I think I get what you are going for with "it takes a lifetime"- it's not so much that the movie has to take place over…
on A secret society of Torah zealots ask a baker who can see into the past to join them in ridding the world of pagan idols but when she refuses, the government offers her a deal of freedom from a troubled past to become a mole and deliver the elusive society to them.

I don' t think we understand how her special ability of seeing into the past is needed by the pagan zealots. So it comes across as a bunch of disparate elements.You do have some interesting elements in the mix- -A…
on DIRTY LAUNDRY: Under the influence of her new washing machine, a shy single woman seeks pleasure in her dirtiest fantasies while dreaming of having a family.

I like this too! It really screams comedy to me, but doesn't have to be. It reminds me of that Click movie with Adam Sandler, taking something modern and using it as a magic, fairy-tale type device.?I would re-position the…
on Trish Humphries a self-absorbed news reporter who just moved to New York finally gets her own talk show. She thinks it’s in a big network, but it’s really just public access. Now she has to learn how to work with her new team and balance her open relationship with her three boyfriends while pursuing her dream to be famous. ★ Accepted

I actually like this concept (at least the possibilities)! The logline can be a lot tighter, and as other have mentioned the name should be excluded. The 3 boyfriends element sounds extraneous the way it is written right now in…
on When a survivor of a train crash disrupts her life, a young woman must overcome her circle?s hostility and cope with the abortion she denied for ten years

There is absolutely nothing specific in this logline, everything is vague ("dramatic circumstances", "path forward").?What were those circumstances? What does/must she do to overcome her trauma, what is her specific path forward? Usually, the protag's change is catalyzed?by an inciting…
on When testing a space-time machine, a brilliant young scientist finds herself stranded in space and time searching for a way home after her machine breaks down.

The stranded in space/time concept is very interesting, although I agree it needs clarity/more specific detail. Like "When testing a space-time machine, a brilliant young scientist finds herself stranded in {WHERE/WHEN]?searching for a way home after her machine breaks down."…
on Down on his luck and fed up with his life in general, a black male is stopped by police in search of a suspect that fits his description.

When a down-on-his-luck?black male is stopped by police in search of a suspect that fits his description, he...
on Seeking revenge for her sexual assault a woman crosses the line into vigilante; she is now hunted by police and the community she believes she protects.

I think it is missing some small twist or additional detail that makes it more than just a female version of Death Wish or some other vigilante movie. Also, is the main storyline about her pursuing her assailant, protecting the…