6 reviews
Hahaha FFF,
Don't worry about?the script. It's written and it already won some awards. I'm still polishing it while trying to sell it.
Howhever, as English is not my native language, i may have some difficulties for finding the best sentence?sometimes...
You're right about the catalyzer, but he's not the train engineer. Please read my comment to Priggy above.
:o)
I would ban the word "strange" from the logline vocabulary. You can tell what is strange instead.
"a young woman" is still too vague. Is there anything in the character which is compelling and organic with the story?
I can't see the logic between the inciting event (what put the story in motion) and the story. How a survivor from a train crash can have some infleunce on her circle and her psychology? The logic must be clear.
"circle hostility" is still vague.
ten year -> why not 5? 15? the detail is not really relevant.
I encourage you to work on a solid logic that links all the elements and avoid everything that is not clearly linked to the plot. For exemple, you said a "train accident" - why not a car? no difference right? so this detail have no interest. You must find which caracteristic or action of this?survivor is actually relevant to the plot. Or make it relevant.
For exemple:
"when a survivor of a train crash starts stalking a lonely train?conductor, she must cope with his madness if she wants to find her son who disappeared?in the same accident"
maybe the son doesn't really exists and this is her path to cope with her denied abortion, the survivor is the catalyzer.
You don't have to spoil the suprises but you need to be coherent, logic, organic. If you forget to be coherent you will produce meaningless loglines like "when a dinasaur kill her dentist a young antiques?dealer must fight his husband to save the earth from an grasshopper invasion".
I suggest also to ask yourself what interests you in your logline and build around it. When you write a movie you spend several month on it and if you're not "in love" with something in your logline it will be very very difficult to write a good script.
I hope this help! ?good luck!
Hello,
true, one of the most common problems in loglines is that they are not specific enough.
I think this could be?a step in the process of writing a logline, to start with a vague structure, then fill it with details that make sense.
As a step in a process, I find it not bad.
I want to say also that it's easier to detect problems in someone else's logline than in your own. It happens to me to feel like I wrote a killer logline, then I read the critics and I say "how didn't?I see this myself!?".
Under dramatic circumstances -> to be specified
young woman -> the description of the main character is too vague
hostility -> to be specified
the trauma -> to be specified
for ten years -> in my opinion this is a useless detail... why not 15 years, or 5 years? This would not affect the story in a meaningful way.
the path toward the life she seeks -> too vague. If I must pick the lowest point of this logline, it would be this one, because this is a readymade sentence, I feel like I read it already.