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Oracle · 87,400 points
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The story is certainly topical. And controversial (understatement). You labeled the story as a comedy. My expectation is that it will play out as a dark comedy. I like most of the ingredients for your script, but I have concerns…
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I suggest refocusing the logline on the story hook, the grab. Which, IMHO, is not one passenger's flight phobia. What grabs my attention, what stokes my imagination and curiosity is the flight attendant. What's her (his?) backstory? What motivates her…
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The logline has a potentially interesting comic premise, but I think it could benefit from trimming. The core of the plot seems to be something like: "A neurotic, cash-strapped publican must win a fishing competition cash prize to keep his…
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Re: >>>conflict comes from change, from nature That can work. In man (or woman) confronting nature or environments stories, the forces of nature or vagaries of the environment are the (impersonal) antagonist. Three examples: The Martian (2015); All is Lost…
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Since your story is based upon an historical event, I suggest that the logline should include the date. I couldn't make sense of this version of your logline until I discovered from some online research that the precipitating event for…
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A logline is a verbal snapshot of the plot. In photography, there should be -- and can be --only one focal point. Likewise, the verbal snapshot of the plot should have one, and only one, clear focal point. Unfortunately, in…
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This has possibilities. But I find the logline somewhat confusing. So, the lawyer knows who the killer is, but outsources the plot goal to the street hustler? Who is the protagonist, the lawyer or the hustler? I suggest this point…
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Here's my sense of the plot: "A man orders the service of a doppelganger to resolve a fight with his wife, but the wife falls in love with the doppelganger. Now he must become a better man than the doppelganger…
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>>James Protagonists aren't usually named in a logline. (The exception is a character in a plot based on historical events like Napoleon, Catherine the Great, Julius Caesar.) Rather, the main character should be presented in terms of a defining characteristic.…
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An interesting premise. But does the plot premise have to entail magic? Could it be realistic, like he wins because he's a card counter. And he's got to do it on the down low, win small amounts over time. Because…