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Logline Medic

dogger

Oracle · 87,400 points

  • 105 loglines
  • 5,401 reviews
  • 22 badges
Rank10 badges
OracleScript DoctorLegendMaestroShowrunnerMentorWordsmithLoglinerInitiatePenpusher
Activity10 badges
Initiated1Reviewing · 110Reviewing · 10100Reviewing · 100500Reviewing · 5002.5KReviewing · 2.5K1Writing · 110Writing · 1050Writing · 507Consistency · 7
Daily challenge1 of 8 badges
1Daily challenge · 1
no active streak · 1 solved · next badge at a 7-day streak

Reviews

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  • on After ICE arrests his undocumented girlfriend during a raid, a quick-witted loafer who joined only to skim money from the agency he despises must risk exposure to smuggle her from detention before she is deported.

    The story is certainly topical. And controversial (understatement). You labeled the story as a comedy. My expectation is that it will play out as a dark comedy. I like most of the ingredients for your script, but I have concerns…
  • on When a flight attendant smuggles on a chainsaw and starts butchering passengers mid-flight, an aerophobe must bottle his panic to take down the killer and save his family on board.

    I suggest refocusing the logline on the story hook, the grab. Which, IMHO, is not one passenger's flight phobia. What grabs my attention, what stokes my imagination and curiosity is the flight attendant. What's her (his?) backstory? What motivates her…
  • on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home.

    The logline has a potentially interesting comic premise, but I think it could benefit from trimming. The core of the plot seems to be something like: "A neurotic, cash-strapped publican must win a fishing competition cash prize to keep his…
  • on When a young archivist graduates and comes home to a family remade by her sister’s undiagnosed illness, two stray cats follow her off the train and start pulling her into her neighbors’ buried griefs, waking a gift in her body that turns water into stories.

    Re: >>>conflict comes from change, from nature That can work. In man (or woman) confronting nature or environments stories, the forces of nature or vagaries of the environment are the (impersonal) antagonist. Three examples: The Martian (2015); All is Lost…
  • on When the sole survivor of a destroyed lifeboat is pulled aboard a sinking luxury liner, he is plunged into further chaos as the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS Arctic. ★ Accepted

    Since your story is based upon an historical event, I suggest that the logline should include the date. I couldn't make sense of this version of your logline until I discovered from some online research that the precipitating event for…
  • on An educated Indian homemaker in Sydney enters a local council election, hoping to reclaim the identity her ambitious daughter no longer sees, while the daughter fights for a director promotion; as both women struggle to be taken seriously, their parallel journeys slowly transform how they see each other.

    A logline is a verbal snapshot of the plot. In photography, there should be -- and can be --only one focal point. Likewise, the verbal snapshot of the plot should have one, and only one, clear focal point. Unfortunately, in…
  • on After dead bodies start piling up, a family lawyer enlists the help of wrongfully accused street hustler to tail the killer, but what happens if the killer is hiding in plain sight.

    This has possibilities. But I find the logline somewhat confusing. So, the lawyer knows who the killer is, but outsources the plot goal to the street hustler? Who is the protagonist, the lawyer or the hustler? I suggest this point…
  • on When an unhappy couple’s argument causes the man to storm out, he orders a service to resolve the fight on his behalf, unaware that a doppelganger is stealing his relationship in the process.

    Here's my sense of the plot: "A man orders the service of a doppelganger to resolve a fight with his wife, but the wife falls in love with the doppelganger. Now he must become a better man than the doppelganger…
  • on When James finds himself infatuated with his coworker Cindy, he is torn by the sinister advice of the sentient food in his fridge and the feelings of love felt in his timid heart.

    >>James Protagonists aren't usually named in a logline. (The exception is a character in a plot based on historical events like Napoleon, Catherine the Great, Julius Caesar.) Rather, the main character should be presented in terms of a defining characteristic.…
  • on When he discovers a magical casino that duplicates any item he gambles, a blacklisted money mule must exploit it to extend an experimental medicine supply for his daughter awaiting a lung transplant, but when the hospital fails to find a suitable donor, he must gamble his daughter to save her life. ★ Accepted

    An interesting premise. But does the plot premise have to entail magic? Could it be realistic, like he wins because he's a card counter. And he's got to do it on the down low, win small amounts over time. Because…

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Daily Logline Challenge · #90

“When war strands a missionary with a drunken boat mechanic, the two must take on a gunboat with a steam launch.”
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