When disobedient space peacemaker reveal hellish plan wealthiest clans on the planet and space invaders to eliminate the excess population of the planet, has again breaks all the rules in order to save the human race and the human woman he loves.

When a lone space ranger discover that the alien relocation plan agreed by the wealthiest earth families include the culling of all human indesirables, he must go rogue to save humanity and the woman he loves.

"The nuances of the grammar make it pretty clear that English is not the native language. Go easy on Babaroga."

Understood, i didn't intend any offence - my intention was to respond to the logilne as presented. This is how it would be consumed in the real world, where it has to stand on it's own without further explanation. If my tone seemed harsh then I'll moderate in future. My own feeling is that anything less than an honest and direct response to the material is helpful to no-one and I anticipate the same of anything I post.

Barbaroga - I hope this didn't offend.

"I found it quite cumbersome to read"

The nuances of the grammar make it pretty clear that English is not the native language. Go easy on Babaroga.

"If the protagonist is disobedient and already a rule-breaker, where is the inner conflict?"

If this guy is in trouble for disobeying a direct order, then there is plenty of inner conflict as he struggles with whether to break another rule (and lose his job) or not based on a suspicion he has. Usually, in these types of stories, the protagonist has nothing more than a hunch about a "hellish plan" and faces charges of disobedient behavior if he investigates further and he can't convince anyone else of what is at stake.

"It would be stronger if it were an obedient character who has to break some of those rules to save the day."

True, but an obedient character wouldn't struggle to convince his boss that there is a problem. The interpersonal conflict is gone.

Hi Babaroga,

I had some difficulty with the sentence structure, I found it quite cumbersome to read and I couldn't quite understand what is going on in your story.

Right now it (almost) reads like this to me:

"Disobedient space peacemaker has a hellish plan.

Wealthiest clans on the planet and space invaders have a plan to reduce excess population and have to break the rules to save the planet and the (human) women they love."

Now, admittedly this doesn't make sense and I'm sure that's not what you intend. From reading the logline in isolation of all comments, that is what I got.

I'm guessing the space peacemaker is your protagonist and that the wealthiest clans & space invaders are the antagonists. This suggests that there are two enemies and that they share the same plan. That's confusing.

Reading it more closely it seems that the disobedient peacemaker has to break the rules again to save the day. If the protagonist is disobedient and already a rule-breaker, where is the inner conflict? Without that, we will be watching a character who is just going through the motions. In Star Wars Han-Solo is only in it for the money, for himself, but he overcomes this selfishness and does something selfless to save the day. That character development makes us the audience feel good, and Han-Solo isn't the main character.

It would be stronger if it were an obedient character who has to break some of those rules to save the day.

OK. So you have two antagonists.

This seems to be a strange partnership, because the interests of both should be limited to the reduction of the population. We can imagine that then, the invaders will want to eliminate what is left of humanity. Isn't it?

So you have:
- a hero: an insubordinate space peacemaker
- a suggested strength/flaw: recidivist = strong mind, but watched closely and maybe discharged,
- two antagonists: wealthiest clans on the planet and space invaders (Maybe the "wealthiest clans" constitute the secret world government),
- a personnal and a more general goals,
- strong stakes.

But some things seem incoherent or harming your logline and perhaps your story:
- as told above, the wealthiest clans - space invaders partership seems strange,
- is the population of the planet really excessive = is it a problem for the survival of humanity? what would mean his goal may not be a very good idea.
- May your Hero save the woman he loves just by saving the human race, or must he do something special to protect her? e.g. can be opposite goals if the woman is taken as an ostage...

These points make your logline confuse and need to be clear up.
There can be lots of good answers, but you must give yours.
e.g.
-"space peacemaker" means that humanity colonised several planets and only the earth is overpopulated; but how about the extinction of the human race?
- wealthiest clans - space invaders partnership should break after the ?limination of the excess of population. But this is very predictable. Why the Wealthiest clans made a deal with space invaders? (is "invaders" the right word?)
- The hero is not a human. So who is he and how can he fall in love with a human woman?
- ...

Hope this can help. ;-)

Hi Jean-Marie,

Thank you for your question. Yes, they work together!

Hi babaroga,

Is there any collusion between the wealthiest clans and the space invaders in your story?

Thanks a lot!
"the woman he loves" means that is a peace of romance in the movie, which is good because this is a four quadrant movie!. Good thinking about video game! The point of franchise, which my movie will be, is that could be and video game after the movie! About "space invaders", maybe is not good expression , but in my screenplay they really exists!
Please tell me now what you think.

Sorry for my bad English!

Disobedient seems like he's childish.
The term "space invaders" may bring unintended imagery. For instance, I think of the classic video game.
If he's saving the human race, "the woman he loves" would be included. I hope.

Try something like this:

When a suspended space peacemaker discovers a plan by the wealthiest clans on the planet to eliminate excess population, he must again violate orders and save the human race.