3 reviews
Hello,
this could be a funny movie but as a logline... I suggest you to read some logline tutorials like the training page on this very website or anythink you trust on google.
The ensemble description is a bad idea for a logline in general and in this particular case complicates the read.
Loglines are best used to describe a single plot, and ideally about a single protagonist. You could write a dual protagonist plot, but those are hard to execute well - with every main character you add to your story it gets exponentially harder to write.
Agreed with DPG this is too long and you are trying to describe too many elements in one sentence. Take only the biggest plot points and use them, and only them, to describe your plot.
Who is the main character?
What is her flaw?
What is her obstacle?
What is her goal?
I suggest re drafting the logline and including only the answers to the above questions. In addition I think it would benefit your concept if you were to increase the stakes and make them clear, according to the latest draft I think the stake is bankruptcy, can you make it even greater? Would the MC stand to? lose her life savings and home perhaps? Just a thought.
In ?30 words or less, please.
And rather than a huge German brewery account, what about an upstart boutique brewery? ?Raise the stakes: ?the brewery's survival is at stake, too, on the outcome of the casting for the ad.
fwiw