Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
I know this is too long. As I haven’t submitted here, I thought I would put it in raw form and see what you guys think. It’s hard to make the unique concept stand out from the stock-standard setting.
I'm still hoping for an expert opinion. Karel?
Yeah I am after a mechanical analysis of the logline, not whether a story that hasn't been read should be aborted. Thanks. I have mixed feelings about the advice on this one, but it is all helpful.
Sorry ignore the pitch thing...not sure where I was going with that.
You have most of the right elements there: the main character, an obtainable goal, and appropriate stakes. You need to strip the logline down to just these essentials.
Firstly, your hero has two motivations, saving the country, and winning the hand of his childhood sweetheart. Mentioning just one will do. Make sure its the most primal and therefore the most understood. Saving his country is honourable ... but can you make it more personal? How about saving his village, where his friends and family all grew up? Or saving his childhood sweetheart? But that's up to you.
What does this year long tournament involve? Jousting? Are there teams that battle each other? If it is unique, and part of the hook, you should tell us.
You could also include the villain if any, and a character flaw and/or strength.
Here's my attempt:
To save his village, a disgraced, ::flaw/stregth here:: nobleman must win a popular, year-long, jousting tournament, facing the ::describe unique villain/obstacle here::.
By the way, what do you mean you submitted the logline for comments not the pitch? The logline is part of your pitch. Commenting on your logline is commenting on your pitch.
I submitted the logline for comments, not the pitch.
My advice to you would be to change up the "stock-standard setting". Create a different world, avoiding the cliches, and your concept, and logline, will stand out. Switching the words around, deleting some, adding others won't change the biggest (self-admitted) problem you have with this story. It all starts with concept.