Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
Best and Fairest
While I concur with most of Nir Shelter's suggestions, I am not so sure that there is no need to mention that the story is based upon true events.? "Based on true events" can be a selling point?particularly when the plot and/or character?may otherwise seem too incredible.? (Truth being stranger than fiction.)
Residing as I do in the opposite hemisphere about as far from Australia as one can get in a country?where rugby is a? quaint, minor sport, I would be?interested in seeing?the movie knowing that it is based upon a real woman whose? passion for the game was such she dared to defy all the?prejudices?against her sex to play.
(The words underlined indicate the story elements that appeal to me.? None of them relate to the game of rugby. ?I don't know anything about rugby --?other than the meaning of the word "scrum", alas .? But my interest is hooked by a true story of? a woman who does the unconventional,? breaks the rules of her social order, who struggles against the expectations and limitations ?imposed upon her by a culture and a game dominated by men. IOW: I sense a story about universal themes that ?transcend any particular time period , country or culture.)
And her?passion for?the game ?is what I would emphasize -- her positive emotional motivation?for the game -- rather than the negative emotions of anger and anguish (although they certainly may figure in the mix of the character and story).? I think it?should be ?sufficient for a logline that she faces daunting?external obstacles.
fwiw.
No need to mention what the story is based on i.e true events, nor the name of the main character, rather best to describe the plot via the specific events that make it up.
The logline raises a question, why must she overcome opposition? In other words, what is at stake? What is the worst thing that will happen if she fails? Secondly and more importantly what is it she must achieve? According to the logline she started the first women's only league, but then what? What is her objective goal after this?
Lastly the inciting incident is unclear.
What does "...after she is kicked off her work team..." mean? Was she fired from work or was she kicked off a rugby team sponsored by her employer? I think you mean the latter, if so specify this in the logline as some readers could misunderstand that point.
However I don't understand why this is such a strong motivator for the main character, why would getting kicked off the team make her need to set up a new women's league? Couldn't she just join another team?
Is there another reason with strong motivation for her to setup the new league instead? Perhaps something that makes it personal for her? Other wise the cause and effect connection between these events is vague.