Rework: When cops are killed in a series of murders, the investigator must catch the contract killer and his employer before they get to his family.

Thanks for the suggestions folks. How's this: ?As Galactic Police become victims in a series of murders, the Homicide Investigator must catch the contract killer and the mastermind, to protect his own family.

I like the feel of the reworked line more immensely. If you still feel it is off, how about rewording it a little? "uncover the contract killer and his employer"? "insure his family's safety/survival"?

Change "get to his family" to something more menacing or final. He must also expose or divulge his employer.

Something still sounds off about this log. Not sure what as of yet.

Okay, how about this rework:

When galactic police become victims in a series of murders, the Homicide Investigator must catch the contract killer and his employer before they get to his family.

Also, not sure why, but personally, I prefer "After" to "When" to begin a log.

Here is a good opportunity to replace "cops" with the name of the police department which will not only sound better, but also communicate story location.

OOOOOH I really like the idea of this story! With that being said, maybe a word other than "cops" can be used to make this seem more realistic. Also, perhaps an adjective for the investigator? Other than those two points, this seems like a solid log line. I would really like to read this script or see the production!