A mob enforcer who lives by the strict code that failure equals death, meets his match when ?3 million of mob funds is stolen by a desperate young man determined to make a difference with his life by ensuring the dirty money serves a charitable cause.

by RedRoad 211 pts

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2 reviews

Jonathon Nicholas 67 pts

i actually love the premise of this, but can i ask you something? who is the protagonist, is it the mob boss, or the desperate man? if i were you i'd want that to be clearer, and its also a tad long. maybe try shortening. this is my version of yours:

When a calculating mob boss falls victim to a loss of 3 million dollars, he meets his match by a desperate young man determined to make a difference with his life by ensuring the dirty money serves a charitable cause.

But i actually love the idea of your film. very interesting. logline is almost there mate. just needs to be refined and tightened. good stuff!

thedarkhorse Samurai · 4,338 pts

This was a lot to digest. The bulk of it not necessary to a logline. (Necessary to you but not to the logline.)

When mob funds are stolen by a man who then gives them to a charitable cause, a mob enforcer must? or else/before?

Filling these in will help you.

INTENTION: ?

OBSTACLE: ?

Good luck!