A devastated 14 year old girl and her seemingly psychotic brother hoping for a better life with their affluent father after he won a divorce proceedings discover that his home turns out to be a prison of misfortunes in which they have to find a means of escape.

Thanks, this is cool and just the kind of idea i need

Wow ! seems i have a lot of questions to answer here. Actually i don't think i can fit in all the questions you have listed here in a one sentence logline which i will still be trying to keep as simple as possible especially if it will be diverting the logline away from the main plot. For instance i can't include much about the psychotic brother since it is just a sub-plot and yes, research has hinted signs of psychosis in children, even nine year olds. But you are right in the fact that their father is the cause of the problem, so i'll take your advice from the definition of misfortune and replace it with something else that will point to the father as the cause of the problem. Thanks a lot

I think you need to strip the opening line down to simply two siblings, perhaps with a one word description to show their relationship, and then say 'move in with their affluent father but discover that.....' I'm not really sure what prison of misfortunes means and it does sound like unfortunate accidents occur in the house as opposed to anything really sinister. Is he holding them captive? Is he hiding a terrible secret?

I'd also look at rewording some of it as you have used three words when one is needed, such as 'discover that his home turns out to be...' this could simply be 'discover his home is.' Try condense the information and give the readers a clue as to what the issues they will be facing inside the house. We get the story but it is all too vague.