Spritewise

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6 reviews

When thousands are trapped in the world's most popular MMO, a burnt-out game master must learn to play the game she once ruled in order track down a hacker with a grudge, before he uses the first Boss event to threaten the entire server.

February 22, 2013

on When thousands are trapped in the world's most popular MMO, a burnt-out game master must learn to play the game she once ruled in order track down a hacker with a grudge, before he uses the first Boss event to threaten the entire server.

Yes, I've watched SAO, and this story kind of grew out of my frustration over all the parts I felt they skimmed over. My protagonist is actually one of the game administers, employed by the game company, so it looks…
on When a time travelling cover-band frontman steals hits before they're famous, his musical idol descends into a suicidal depression and to save his life he must overcome his lust for fame.

Very good, until you get to the part after "suicidal depression." I'm pretty sure you mean that the hero must overcome his lust for fame in order to save his idol's life, but all the "he" and "his" pronouns obscure…
on After suffering a mental breakdown a depressed businessman attempts to rebuild his life with his estranged wife, but when he meets a carefree barista he begins to question what it takes to truly be happy.

Another possibility would be to flip genders here. Have it be a depressed business woman meeting a charming barista-guy at the local Starbucks. If you keep the MC as a man, you could defy audience expectations by having the wife…
on A, no bullshit, hotshot archeologist comes face to face with a coldblooded tomb raider in a struggle to claim discovery of a lost Egyptian city of immeasurable wealth.

Is laying claim to the discovery really the conflict here? Sounds to me like the "tomb raider" wouldn't care if he was credited with the discovery -- only that he got his hands on the wealth. The archaeologist, on the…
on The night New York City loses containment on the Zombie outbreak, the rookie member of a Covert Zombie Suppression Team must escort the plague's original carrier to a secure location for testing.

I understand the plot, but not the conflict. What happens if he fails? Why is the job being handed to him, instead of a more seasoned professional? You do a good job establishing the setting, and I can already see…
on In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, a rogue munitions runner teams up with a failed government experiment and a resistance fighter to find his lost brother and help them end a brutal research project that experiments on children.

All the pieces are there, but it could still use a rewrite for clarity. The only clear part about a "rogue munitions runner" is the rogue part, I'm afraid. Are there any other words you can use to describe his…

When thousands are trapped in the world's most popular MMO, a burnt-out game master must learn to play the game she once ruled in order track down a hacker with a grudge, before he uses the first Boss event to threaten the entire server.