Jaybird1091

100 points

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9 loglines
13 reviews

Loglines

Cherry has a unique condition: her blood sends anyone who sees or smells it into a bloodthirsty mania. When she hears of a cure, she sets off across the country, turning the road trip into a zombified hell.

December 1, 2016
An unemployed dropout fakes the paperwork to become a family physician. When her patients start to see through the lie, she decides to use surgery to silence them.

December 1, 2016
A fired telemarketer fakes the paperwork to become a family physician. When her patients start to see through the lie, she realizes she’s in the perfect position to silence them.

October 3, 2015
When a habitual liar forges the paperwork to establish a rural family practice, she soon finds herself in a blood-soaked examining room, trying to silence the screams of her poorly anesthetized patients.

September 3, 2015
When the human race is forced to evacuate Earth, it leaves behind an aging, osteoporotic millionaire, who finds solace and purpose in the company of an autistic child.

March 1, 2014
In a future city where women are bought and sold, the last married man on Earth takes on the city?s annual, gladiatorial game to win the ultimate grand prize: his wife.

October 31, 2013
The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

October 30, 2013
To save his kidnapped wife, a brilliant engineer will have to win her back on a deadly game show in the decaying city of the future.

October 25, 2013
In the city of the future, a young man takes on a series of mind-bending, gladiatorial games to win back the woman he loves. If he dies, she suffers; but to survive, he?ll have to break the city?s only rule.

August 16, 2013

Recent reviews

on In 16th century Japan, the African slave of a Jesuit priest rises to become a samurai in the service of its most powerful warlord, and faces the challenge of a corrupt general who is scheming to topple the warlord and rule in his place.

If you can simplify further, it'd be a big improvement. Made my head spin a bit. Something more like: "In ancient Japan, a priest's slave becomes a samurai, and fights to defend his warlord against a corrupt general."
on Aliens mistake a stuck-up, self-centred actor for Earth?s leader due to his popularity on social media. Placed on trail, he must prove the human race is humble and altruistic before Earth is destroyed to make way for a interstellar highway.

Pretty sweet idea! I'm sensing a comedy with heart. My only comment is, change "Aliens mistake a stuck-up, self centered actor as..." to "Aliens mistake a stuck-up, self-centered actor for." Adding a hyphen and changing "as" to "for" improves the…
on When the human race is forced to evacuate Earth, it leaves behind an aging, osteoporotic millionaire, who finds solace and purpose in the company of an autistic child.

Than you guys so much for your comments! The real emotion of the piece comes from the transformation of the osteoporotic dude (that's bone brittleness, BTW). He has been denied passage to the moon because his condition would prevent him…
on When the human race is forced to evacuate Earth, it leaves behind an aging, osteoporotic millionaire, who finds solace and purpose in the company of an autistic child.

Hmmm, great points! Try: With most of humanity already safe on the moon, an aging millionaire has only days to repair a rocket to carry his newfound friend--an autistic child--to safety, before natural disaster destroys what's left of planet Earth.
on The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

OOOOOOOhhhhhhh ok, ok. I like that idea!!!!!!!! At the beginning of my script as it now stands, Jake tries to rally support from the people of his town to rescue Emma (his wife), but EVERYONE--even his own brother!!!!--deserts him, a…
on The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

I REALLY want that complicated back-story to stay BACK of the STORY. This isn't a concept-driven tale; it's character-driven. It's not about gods and politics and cool sci-fi tech. It's about a man, his love for his wife, and the…
on The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

Great point, dpg. The reason is complicated: the city is isolated by a force field, and largely automated. Its citizens have long ago forgotten secrets that their ancestors knew. The upshot is, nobody understands the technology that makes their city…
on A woman protected her whole life by what she believes to be her guardian angel must unravel the secrets behind her protector when it starts hurting the people closest to her.

Cool idea! Clear protagonist/antagonist. What's the genre here? I'm guessing horror, but it's a little hard to tell. Rather than "unravel the secrets," you might say, "combat the dark forces" or something similar, assuming this is horror.
on The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

The game show did kidnap his wife (the previous year's champion wanted to goad the husband into the city for reasons of his own). It's not really a "game show," but more like a televised, gladiatorial contest. I'm not sure…
on The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

Right! There are so many details to this world which contribute in small ways to the story, but which don't really take center stage. Without including them, it's hard for me to avoid confusion. The fact that they are the…
on A newly wed gay couple wants nothing more than live a normal life in the gated community they've moved into, but their arrival leads to civil strife as the sexually repressed conservative leader of the homeowners association will stop at nothing to drive them out.

Great idea! It's hard to tell what genre this script will fall under; is it a serious social drama, or a lighthearted comedy? Try shortening a few phrases and using descriptive verbs: (Serious drama): A newlywed gay couple struggles to…
on Bitten by a zombie then discarded by her protector, a timid woman struggling to survive learns there's more to the apocalypse and the man she trusted.

Interesting premise! One quick note: generally the phrase "more to the..." is followed by "than he ever knew" or something similar. The absence of the latter half throws the reader off. Try changing the phrase (you'll think of something better…
on After committing an atrocity, a true-believing champion of the Greek gods seeks redemption by hunting down a cunning, unchecked, voracious and pitiless enemy. But his quest leads him to uncover some cold truths about his masters. And the final choice he must make will shape humanity?s future for centuries to come.

The story sounds fascinating! However your logline could use a little polishing for clarity and brevity. Is this "true-believing champion of the Greek gods" a god himself, or a man? And by "champion," do you mean, "champion of a cause"…