FreelanceLance

0 points

1 points to Penpusher

1 logline
6 reviews

An email from a stranger threatening to erase his very existence forces a reclusive writer to post his very first logline–accidentally opening a portal to a demon universe, where he finally finds true love!

June 22, 2013

on Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

Nice (re: the edit button)...I had meant to mention in my previous reply. That detective coming looking sounds like an important detail, and adds that extra "kick" and element of danger/intrigue. (And lets us know this isn't just 100% three…
on Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

You don't need to reveal the thing itself, you just need to (ideally cleverly or intriguingly) let us know that there is a thing...something that makes this a story we haven't seen before. (Because we have seen "mindgame-between-friends thriller" before.)
on Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

...or a hint at the location/atmosphere/world that we will be seeing. (Again, is this a small cabin-based psychological thriller, or a The Usual Suspects-type manipulation yarn...are there action elements? Does it get big? I know the plot kind of, but…
on Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

This is pretty good--I struggle to come up with anything to fix (except the comma at the end of course). Though I am left wondering who they are professing their innocence to...is it each other, out there in the cabin…
on After lying to her co-workers about being in a relationship, a corporate control freak is forced to bring her ex-fiance with her on a family oriented work retreat

It's a decent rom-com premise, but there's a bit too much info in the logline. How about: A corporate control freak is forced to bring her slacker ex-boyfriend on a family-oriented work retreat in order to maintain her lie about…
on In the distant future, a refugee space craft escapes a war-torn Earth and crash lands on mankind?s second ?salvation? planet killing most and scattering fewer surviving safety pods.Riddled with guilt, the ships pilot sets out to retrieve his survivors to complete the promised journey.

I found this logline very confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what happens, and I still have questions. Main question: What is this "promised journey"? We're told the craft was escaping one planet, and crashed…

An email from a stranger threatening to erase his very existence forces a reclusive writer to post his very first logline–accidentally opening a portal to a demon universe, where he finally finds true love!