dcjohn

0 points

1 points to Penpusher

2 loglines
5 reviews

"Two teenagers on a romantic spring break in a remote cabin discover, to their horror, that they both share the same father. And he was a Nazi. And the cabin is surrounded by Jewish zombies."

October 18, 2013
A gentle golden retriever flips out, I mean FLIPS! OUT! when a squirrel violates his lawn. In seeking justice, he discovers that he can fire handguns, and now he's never taking another No! again.

October 18, 2013

on A wrestler seeks revenge against his brother's murderer, Little did they know that this is more complicated than he originally thought it would be

"This is more complicated than he originally thought" seems a little coy for a logline. If it's a great complication/obstacle and potential hook, then why not include it?
on After having searched around the world for the perfect girl, a young man finds just what he?s been looking for in his own small town where a high school friend has always been waiting for him.

It seems so generic. Give me a specific attribute or two for the protagonist (particularly if they hint at weaknesses), and I suspect the rest will fall into place.
on The summer of 1978 will change a group of young ghost investigators lives forever ? they must solve the mystery at the heart of their rural seaside town and catch a villain with nothing more than their wits and chopper bikes all the while growing together as they grow up.

It seems like you're burying the lede by holding off mentioning the choppers till the end. If they're a biker gang that investigates ghosts, then why not make that clear right at the initial description of the protagonists.
on A genius kid struggles to create a free energy device and getting the girl he likes, before a ruthless businessman condemns the city to obscurity.

It seems like there's a lot of randomly tossed together elements here, or at least a lack of focus. For starters, what's the main driver for the kid... energy drink breakthrough or the girl? Find his flaw and the core…
on When a bumbling businessman's necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.

I'm not sure "bumbling" is the best description of the protagonist, insofar that the story itself doesn't really connect to a bumbling character having a bumbling to competent arc. Are there some other adjectives that might make a stronger choice…

"Two teenagers on a romantic spring break in a remote cabin discover, to their horror, that they both share the same father. And he was a Nazi. And the cabin is surrounded by Jewish zombies."

A gentle golden retriever flips out, I mean FLIPS! OUT! when a squirrel violates his lawn. In seeking justice, he discovers that he can fire handguns, and now he's never taking another No! again.