CMathias

Recent reviews

• on When a disaffected war hero takes control of a nuclear missile silo, the resourceful silo commander must take it back while hiding the fact that she is a Russian spy.

  Thank you all for your insightful comments. I think all of you are correct; I wanted this to be a story about someone taking over a silo and the struggle of the commander to take it back. But then I…

• on After being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.

  It seems to me the protagonist is too passive here "being pressured" "is sent". How about the protatognist turned informant voluntarily because she doesn't want her younger sister being dragged deeper into this whole mess? Plus, I don't see the…

• on After uncovering a conspiracy plotted by the king a Templar is forced to intervene in the king’s plot before it leads to civil war.

  What's a merchant knight? In medieval Europe, merchants and knights were strictly separate, the latter having far higher status than the former, and I have never come accross the term. But maybe you are envisioning a character from one of…

• on When a journalist discovers a cult crucifying men in the desert, he believes he has the story of a lifetime if he can live to tell it..

  Agree with FFF, sounds very interesting to me.? Maybe you could use "stumbles upon" instead of "discovers", which would emphasize the unexpectedness a bit more - just a thought. Perhaps you might be more specific regarding location - which desert?…

• on A drug addicted private investigator must partner up with an android detective to solve?the mystery of how and why his sister induced an AI to murder her.

  Thanks all for your honest feedback; I see that the drug addiction part is maybe a bit too much "used-up" and could be a potential turn-off because it's too obvious an attribute for a PI.The purpose of the attribute for…

• on A team of thrill-seeking angels, who get their kicks BASE jumping into hell, uncover a plot by the most nefarious gangster in the underworld to take control of the human realm.

  Well, that certainly sounds not-seen-that-before. I'm already visualising the angels base jumping into hell, should be one hell of a set piece :-)You might shorten it to "A team of thrill-seeking angels base jump into hell and uncover a plot..."…

• on When a superhero is infected with his engineered plague, her ex-boyfriend escapes from prison to steal from a military lab and create a cure before the woman he loves dies in three days.

  It's of course interesting that it would be some normal guy rather than the superhero who's in focus here, but that may just be a false interpretation of the logline. Maybe it would help to clarify if the ex-boyfriend is…

• on A struggling novelist on a deadline takes a job as a obituary writer while he gets over his ex-wife and the deaths he writes about expose truths in his own life.

  Have to agree with Nir Shelter here: I don't see the story. What is the conflict? What is the "hook"? Is it essential that he gets over his ex-wife? Why should anyone care that he exposes truths about his own…

• on When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.

  Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn't expect such kind and insightful review! I'll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here: I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was "the…

• on When a group of Sth African migrant teenagers go on a road trip they have an accident that leaves one the boys paralysed from the waist down but when the parents of the injured boy engage in a legal battle against the young driver it divides a community in a gripping saga of tradegy and triumph.

  Well, in my opinion it needs some work: - "Tragedy" is spelled incorrectly - "one OF the boys" - missing word The "gripping saga of tragedy and triumph" is too generic. Most stories have that. Cut the first part to…