What industry pros look for

The notes the community's most respected reviewers give most often — with real examples of each. Fix these before you post.

1 Active protagonist

They pursue something — things don't just happen to them.

A logline must show what the protagonist does, not just what happens to them. Audiences follow protagonists who want something and take action to get it — the most common note by far is that the lead is passive.

Test: Distinguish setup (what happens) from plot (what the character does about it).

Seen in 316 real reviews

Real reviews where the community's most respected reviewers raised this exact note — quoted so you can see what it looks like in practice.

  1. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on A week after having leg surgery for which he would need 3 months rest, a 45 year old poor night guard returns to work in order to not loose his job and keep providing for his family. He encounters a group of burglars in a building garage and is unable to stop them.

    Understood. With the goal being the job I suggest reveres engineering the story from that. "...while his facial expression showed increasingly more despair." Maybe Brando could have been able to pull this off but even then its a week cinematic end visual. Being a short…
  2. Richiev · Legend · 58,825 pts on After a young insecure girl, who lost her boyfriend by an accident, is sending a naked video to a strange men which is causing bullying attacks at school, she is moving to a new town to build friendships, but the cyber attacks continue and increase her depression.

    young insecure girl -- Insecure teen (You say 'she' later on so you don't need to say girl) who lost her boyfriend by an accident,-- When her boyfriend dies (Don't need to tell us by accident) is sending -- Sends a naked video to a…
  3. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on A naive young wordsmith from a country village must face down the dark and callous aspects of humanity to rescue his childhood friend, kidnapped years earlier, and bring down the criminal organisation which has subjugated her

    "...the protagonist must find the courage and confidence to step out of his usual observer? role and act decisively, which is usually out of his character." This is a great inner journey so best to use it to drive the story. As mentioned true to…
  4. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on As he chronicles one tenacious man’s fight to survive after a nuclear holocaust decimates life on Earth, a dedicated and determined alien observer must decide whether to obey or defy orders to terminate humanity.

    There appears to be a few fundamental problems with this concept. Fundamental problems such as these that are not resolved are often indicative of faulty concepts. Please forgive my candidness (few appreciate strait forward feedback). The first and most glaring problem is the mix of…
  5. Richiev · Legend · 58,825 pts on Twelve students at a small town college develop insomnia the same night, each falling asleep only when they face their darkest demons

    Since there is no lead character to connect with, and 'face their darkest demons' is vague, it's hard to connect with this logline. Also; lead character's are pro-active but in your logline you tell us what happens to the characters not what the characters must…
  6. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on An amnesiac who wakes up chained to a table in a mysterious room must uncover why sinister doctors are performing grisly operations on him.

    The wake up in a mysterious room inciting incident has been used many times only it presents a problem if used incorrectly. According to this logline the MC wakes up in a room on frame one which means this is the normal day to day…

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2 Named antagonist

If it isn't implied, name the opposing force in 2–3 words.

Without a clear obstacle there is no story. The antagonist — a person, a force, a deadline — is what makes the goal difficult. "Everything" or "society" is never specific enough.

Test: Name the specific force opposing the protagonist.

Seen in 663 real reviews

Real reviews where the community's most respected reviewers raised this exact note — quoted so you can see what it looks like in practice.

  1. Richiev · Legend · 58,825 pts on When an ancient spell book activates a cursed family heirloom, a part-time occult librarian teams up with an undead ex-cop to destroy a voodoo witchdoctor stealing souls to live forever.

    I'm not sure if this is a logline problem or a story problem, but you start with the threat (antagonist) being an ancient spell book, then you end with the threat (antagonist) being a voodoo witch doctor. I would stick with one or the other.…
  2. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on Sera is the story of a young and ignorant prince who is forced to abandon his love for a girl when he must assume the throne. As his reign and age grow old and the kingdom falls into ruin, he must make a choice between power or love.

    No need to mentioned the title in the log line also no need to mention the genre, ideally the genre will be evident in a good logline. Choosing is not action. Action is what is done after choosing between the lesser of two evils and…
  3. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on A vampire and vampire slayer living as roommates, hiding their identity, are secretly trying to kill each other, but fall in love in the process.

    Bit confusing as there seam to be 2 posts for the same idea I'll respond to this one. Firstly when dealing with a romantic vampire movie it must be clearly positioned relative to the numerous romantic vampire movies out already, the shear number of which…
  4. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on A young candle maker with hidden magic powers teams up with an aloof dragon knight to battle monsters in a dark realm while seeking to rescue her twin brother before a sinister sorcerer uses him to activate an ancient weapon.

    I see. So from what I understand here is a quick point form breakdown of your story so far: MC - candle maker flaw - naive? inciting incident - twin being kidnapped external goal - save MCs twin internal goal - grow up? become mature?…
  5. Karel Segers · Mentor · 2,850 pts on A historian from a line of disgraced fortune hunters discovers a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.

    I haven't seen the movie but this only gives us the Inciting Incident. What is the historian trying to achieve for most of the movie? I guess: find the the treasure... but what are the obstacles? Try starting like this to figure out how to…
  6. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on Egotistical 90’s band manager Steve Gold attempts to reform the modestly successfull boyband Xcite.

    Try to define an obstacle for Steve as an outwardly force that will prevent him from reforming the band rather than a characteristic of his. This may help you shape a journey for him.

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3 Cause & effect

A clear major event forces a specific goal.

A logline traces a causal chain: event → goal → obstacle → stakes. If the inciting incident has no bearing on what the character must do, the story feels random.

Test: Ask: why does this event force the protagonist to pursue this goal?

Seen in 228 real reviews

Real reviews where the community's most respected reviewers raised this exact note — quoted so you can see what it looks like in practice.

  1. Richiev · Legend · 58,825 pts on Re-awakening from a zombie like state, a man’s pursuit of freedom put’s his life in jeopardy when he interferes with a narcissistic scientist’s pursuit of global mind control.

    I believe what confused me about your first logline was the term "Zombie like state" which means to me, he runs around trying to eat peoples brains. In other words, the drug the scientist created made people 'go mad and try to eat peoples brains.'…
  2. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on A young candle maker with hidden magic powers teams up with an aloof dragon knight to battle monsters in a dark realm while seeking to rescue her twin brother before a sinister sorcerer uses him to activate an ancient weapon.

    The character description in this logline jumps out and not in a good way. Currently there are three things the MC is: young, a candle maker and has magic powers. Economy in words adds power to a log line so better to use a shorter…
  3. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on While a group of older teens are on a camping trip secretly building an unregistered ship,their planet is attacked and destroyed those not killed were taken.The teens have to rescue their families/friends.

    Great comments raised above. I would add that the teens description is unclear, what does older teens mean? Older than who? Best to describe a character flaw in this case than the age. Teens is enough to place the characters in a specific demographic. Additionally…
  4. Karel Segers · Mentor · 2,850 pts on A young man with no memory except for the last five years finds out he’s an android sent to infiltrate the human race before the aliens arrive to take over earth. He must now save his new home from his own masters depsite just now starting to know his own powers.

    I think we have an overload of Inciting Incidents: - he finds out he's an android - the aliens arrive - he finds out about his own powers His main goal of saving his home probably goes further than that: he must save the world!…
  5. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on 9 years after the sanguinary massacre of the royal family of demons, planned by the United States, Barbara, one of the two sisters who escaped the massacre, seeks revenge and is in search to find her 10 year old sister, who was later abducted by the government of the United States, because of her sister’s godly black magic abilities that could be used to turn the United States into a worldwide empire and to resurrect Goddess Isis, of Babylon. 17 year old terrorist Barbara forces the son of the president of the United States to betray his own country and join her on the expedition to find her sister, which leads to the revelation of the grotesque plans the United States (Illuminati) has up its sleeve and the end of everything.

    There is an obvious problem with structure and logline conventions in the original post. Check out this page for help with lolgline conventions and basic structure: https://loglineit.com/howto/ For the next draft of the logline best to simplify the story to deal with less subject matter,…
  6. Neer Shelter · Legend · 39,985 pts on After being struck by lightning, a geeky bullied teen discovers that he has the ability to obtain the skills, strength, and knowledge of others via touch, he uses this newly found gift to get even with his tormenters and win the heart of the girl he adores.

    The logline forces the logical connection between the MC being struck by lightening and him getting the girl or the bad guys. Therefore the concept feels laboured to me, if I were to here of a boy being struck by lighting and getting special powers…

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