A smart, new classy version of an old west historical tale that has never been told, between a well-dressed clean man of small stature and his dirty giant brutal enemy with a personal vendetta;of which takes place in a large alluring and immaculately clean gambling hall and infamous brothel, where heaven and hell plays about.

Monimata, I want to see your movie ; )

That was the best opinion...I need to dumb it down and get to the point. Thank you..please tell me your thoughts on this "'True story of a brilliant professional gambler and owner of an elegant sporting parlor that defends his livelihood against a evil U.S.Marshal, who in a jealous rage seeks a personel vendetta in the American south during the late 1880's."

A never before seen historical vendetta" - cut this out. Although this particular story has never been told, western vendetta stories are as old as the hills. Plus, it's taking up valuable character space.

"inside the walls of the elegant white elephant gambling hall and infamous brothel" - is this a contained action/thriller? If not, leave out.

"where heaven and hell merge" - cliche and meaningless, plus muddies up the genre. Is this a metaphorical or literal statement? Is this a supernatural western? Is this your hook?

You're being really vague and coy about your story - all I know so far is these two characters are going to clash but I don't know why. If you don't tell us why, it's hard for us to be interested.

This isn't your story but here's what I mean:

To avenge the death of his wife, a professional gambler tracks her killer, a corrupt US Marshall, to the dusty town of [insert name] and wages a war that takes the townsfolk by storm.

You?ve got:
Protag = gambler
Antag = US Marshall
Goal = avenge his wife?s death
Stakes = guilt/remorse

Still missing a hook though - what makes this unique/different from other western revenge stories?

hmmmm...ok how about this "A never before seen historical vendetta between a professional gambler and a corrupt U.S. Marshal plays out inside the walls of the elegant white elephant gambling hall and infamous brothel where heaven and hell merge." .....is that any better?

Callenhall, what are the elements of your logline?

Protag = David-type character, but who is he? (Is he a lawman, banker, husband, what?)
Antag = Goliath-type character, but again, who is he? (Is he gang leader, murderer, what?
Goal = ?
Stakes = ?
Hook = ?

Once you can answer those questions, you'll find that you can start gleaning the real logline from your story.

Agree...how do you like "A never before told historical battle between a David and Goliath separated by vendettas and set against an elegant gambling hall and infamous brothel where heaven and hell play out.".....any better?

The idea seems interesting, I just feel you need to boil it down so an agent, producer or manager can take one look and instantly understand what the movie is about.

Thank you for your feedback! I always respect and look forward to all comments. I am not as impressed with my idea, as much as others around me are that have cracked it open. I have been told the different feeling this western embodies over the repetitive ''dirty'' western films everyone is sick of and studios won't touch. I do love your David and Goliath comparision and think this could be worded down instead of completly trashed. Outside of that how do you like the idea?

Start over. No reader wants to hear how impressed you are with your own idea. They'll decide if it's smart, new and classy. (Also, a "new version of a tale that's never been told" doesn't make sense to me). A logline should be short and sweet, tell us who the hero is and give us the hook: "The true story of David vs. Goliath set in the Old West," for example.