A grieving couple?s predictable world gets upended when a mysterious child, who looks just like the nine-year old son they lost 7 years before, shows up on their doorstep. Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback.

"Anytime your logline doesn?t convey the correct genre of your story it is a rather serious mistake. If a producer is looking for a family drama, let?s say, reads this logline, and goes through the trouble of requesting and reading the script, to find out halfway through it that it is a vampire story, would be frustrating, I?d think."

Geno, good point - I hadn't thought of this.

Damn, this loglining is hard. Is this any better?

When a young boy appears on the doorsteps of a woman grieving the loss of her son, she is drawn to the mysterious boy who turns out to be a vampire.

Hi fejumas! Yes, I recognized the title, and went back into my notes. I was trying to address the logline as posted, and not have any previous storylines skew my comments any.

Anytime your logline doesn't convey the correct genre of your story it is a rather serious mistake. If a producer is looking for a family drama, let's say, reads this logline, and goes through the trouble of requesting and reading the script, to find out halfway through it that it is a vampire story, would be frustrating, I'd think.

In addition, I think the "characteristics" of the boy (trying not to be a spoiler here and giving away secrets) is quite possibly, the most important element of your story- the "hook". The fact that the boy IS what he is pretty much separates it from others in that genre (supernatural thriller), no? At least I'm not familiar with that "twist" being played in any other story ("The Lost Boys" were a bit older).

I still think "Bare Bones" is the better title, and if you describe the victims in your story as being so depleted of blood that they are nothing more than "bare bones", in addition to the animal killings (for added irony, I'd include a bear being found dead, also drained, to play on the "bear bones" title) I think it works on many levels.

Just my opinion...

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge

Hi fejumas if I'm getting this right it turns out to be a vampire drama? Is it worth maybe mentioning something along those lines in the log line? I also wouldn't use 'predictable' as no one really is predictable so I don't think it really adds to it.

Story idea is good although did remind me of a few films but it's not about original stories its about an original take so maybe add into the log line the thing you are doing that makes it stand out from other films that are slightly like this.

Hope this helps mate.

Hey Geno,

This is my little vampire drama - you read an early draft this spring. Changed the title (originally Bare Bones) and have another rewrite pending before I seriously consider querying it, hence the logline polish.

From what you remember of the script, am I doing the logline a disfavor by not mentioning the supernatural element?

Thanks,
Monique

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge

Darn, that was the best part of the logline! (jk)...

The concept, while not terrible unique, is still a good one, but you have two numbers mentioned in the logline (9 and 7). I'd get rid of one, or both, actually. Losing a child would seem to have much more of an emotional impact rather then settling for a mundane "predictable" life, wouldn't you think? I would work on that and ratchet up the emotion more. The basic premise of the logline is correct, IMO: "This happens, and this was the result, but then this happens again, and this is what it's all about!"

If you start out with "When", or "After", or "As", and the logline will fall into place.

The Turning Season- interesting title. Love to know the connection between the title and story...

Okay, accidentally appended this part "Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback" to the logline, can't edit so please ignore!!