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Imprisoned in an apartment with a complete stranger, an idealist twenty-something has to find a way to save herself and the world population from the secret organization holding her captive.
"When a secret organization launches the last step of its plan to eliminate 99% of the population, one of its main agent abducts his estranged humanitarian daughter so she can live in the new society." Since this isn't the main logline, one used to sell the script, it is fine because it shows you unRead more
“When a secret organization launches the last step of its plan to eliminate 99% of the population, one of its main agent abducts his estranged humanitarian daughter so she can live in the new society.”
Since this isn’t the main logline, one used to sell the script, it is fine because it shows you understand the goal and motivation of the antagonist. If you still want to revise it for practice, what is the last step? Be more specific, whether it’s poison like I used in my example or something, being more specific would probably shorten the logline.
Now, onto the main logline. It seems that you haven’t posted a revision. So, for:
“Imprisoned in an apartment with a complete stranger, an idealist twenty-something has to find a way to save herself and the world population from the secret organization holding her captive.”
You have an inciting incident(abduction), which is clear. Now, what do you see as the goal? Due to her being abducted by her estranged father, what does this motivate her to do? Is her goal to stop them after she finds out what they plan to do?
See lessRework: When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind.
"When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind." What is it the witness witnessed? Why were they important enough to have two guards and to be sought out and murdered? And if this mastermind is the oneRead more
“When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind.”
What is it the witness witnessed? Why were they important enough to have two guards and to be sought out and murdered? And if this mastermind is the one who the witness witnessed doing something worth killing them over so they can’t testify, how is this mastermind unknown? How does defeating a contract killer lead to the mastermind?
See lessDriven by anger and guilt a suspended detective investigates another murder believing it?s connect to his partners brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.
>>>brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.It's a standard expectation for the genre that the protagonist's dramatic journey will eventually deliver him to a life or death moment, a situation of maximum mortal jeopardy. ?So this phrase is unnecessary, excess vRead more
>>>brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.
It’s a standard expectation for the genre that the protagonist’s dramatic journey will eventually deliver him to a life or death moment, a situation of maximum mortal jeopardy. ?So this phrase is unnecessary, excess verbiage.
And it adds no value to the logline because it’s not a story hook. ?It’s not a story hook because:
1] it’s vague; “an answer” could mean any 1 ?of ?a 1,000,001 things. ?Which for the purpose of a logline is to say it means nothing. ? It conveys no specific information to a director or producer as to why he should ?want to read the script ,why the “answer” to be revealed in this script is going to be different, unique from the answers in ?a 1,001 movies already made about detectives solving cases.
2] The “answer”— the Big Reveal — comes too late, ?in the 2nd Act or early in the 3rd Act, to qualify as ?hook for the purpose of a logline. ?Hooks for logline purposes occur in the 1st Act, no later than early in the 2nd Act. ?(See my post for a logline for “The Matrix”?for further discussion on that point.)
So, then, what’s left ? ?”Driven by anger and guilt a suspended detective investigates another murder believing it?s connect to his partner’s death” ?Well, what is the inciting incident in this situation? ?What is the specific and peculiar nature of the ?”other murder” that leads the detective to believe it’s connected to the murder of his partner? ?IOW: what’s the evidentiary hook for the detective in the “other murder”. ?And could this also be the candidate for the story hook for the logline reader?
fwiw
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