1. Posted: May 26, 2021In:

    When an Earth colony ship teacher discovers his government is hiding information and executing it’s citizens, he must find a way to hide from the governments watchful eyes and rebel; but when his friends are captured he must find a way to overthrow the government to save his friends and free his people.

    Odie Samurai

    Thanks for the synopsis, consider the following: 1. A teacher suddenly missing students is a good inciting incident. 2. To keep your protag from having a passive goal e.g., follows rebels, consider adding a rescue mission that is anything but, and the “mission for equality” becomes his arc. 3. GoverRead more

    Thanks for the synopsis, consider the following:
    1. A teacher suddenly missing students is a good inciting incident.
    2. To keep your protag from having a passive goal e.g., follows rebels, consider adding a rescue mission that is anything but, and the “mission for equality” becomes his arc.
    3. Governments are big and vague, if keeping in the logline, try focusing the mission against one e.g., benevolent leader 😉 ~ Fallout game reference.

    Based on your synopsis, I can glean the following – make these yours:
    “Set on an Earth colony ship in a dystopian future, a loyalist teacher’s rescue mission to recover missing activist students turns into a quest for equality”
    OR
    “When radicalized students go missing, a loyalist teacher on an Earth colony ship sets out to …“

    BTW, love the twist – they’re not actually in space!

    Keep going, take care.

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  2. Posted: January 21, 2021In:

    The early life and career of the 5 Elements’ founder Rosh Goldman is presented alongside the rise of extremism in the Middle East, while the Rhodium Golems reunite one year after their victory to prevent the resurrection of Project Athena.

    Bo Teng Chea Penpusher

    Hi Swevius, Your story seems to be interesting but I didn't get much while reading it. I had to search the name "Rosh Goldman" because I thought it was a real person. It is probably the name of your main character. I'm currently studying a screenwriting program (that suggests submitting one's loglinRead more

    Hi Swevius,

    Your story seems to be interesting but I didn’t get much while reading it. I had to search the name “Rosh Goldman” because I thought it was a real person. It is probably the name of your main character. I’m currently studying a screenwriting program (that suggests submitting one’s logline on this website actually). One of their advise is not to name your character because we don’t really need it and in your case, it was very confusing. What are Rhodium Golems and Project Athena ?
    Instead of giving their names, you should shortly describe them so that we can identify them as the antagonist or protagonist or what’s at stake.
    Also even if it’s important to you, while presenting your project I believe it could put you and your project in a disavantage point to mention any spectic geography or political references.
    Last point of suggestion, “is presented”, make your main character more active and do something. Your formulation makes him look passive and therefore not really interesting to follow on his journey.

    Hope these feedbacks and thoughts will help you. Keep it up ! Take care

    BO

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  3. Posted: May 10, 2021In:

    An entitled alien prince teams up with a ditzy teenage girl to help him must travel back in time to alter future events in order to save his planet.

    Jay_Bird Penpusher

    Fun idea! I'd love to see descriptions of the protagonists, especially if they are an unlikely pair who are forced together because of circumstances out of their control. For example: An exuberantly loyal alien prince and a sullen, despondent teenage girl A desperate alien prince and a ditzy teenageRead more

    Fun idea! I’d love to see descriptions of the protagonists, especially if they are an unlikely pair who are forced together because of circumstances out of their control. For example:

    An exuberantly loyal alien prince and a sullen, despondent teenage girl
    A desperate alien prince and a ditzy teenage valley girl
    An entitled young alien prince and a poverty-stricken teenage girl

    If you already have the characters flushed out, just add the appropriate descriptive words. If you don’t have ideas of who the characters are yet, work on that first and it will inevitably make the logline more interesting.

    Hope this is helpful 🙂

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