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When the Sheriff of Sweetwater, Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town from destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.
The structure works: we know who, what's at stake, who's against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: "destroy" and "destruction" come back three times in close range, and "destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate" is a passive construction; flipping it to "from a megalomaniac SoybRead more
The structure works: we know who, what’s at stake, who’s against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: “destroy” and “destruction” come back three times in close range, and “destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate” is a passive construction; flipping it to “from a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate” picks up the pace.
See lessThe character description tells us his job but nothing about who he is as a person (“languid sheriff” or “self-centred weather man” would tell us how he behaves before the story even starts.)
The place names don’t earn their space either; a descriptor of the town and its world would tell us more than “Sweetwater, Mars” does. But the story is fun: an off-world Western with an illegal worm farm and a Soybean Magnate as antagonist places this on a sci-fi comedy shelf you can already see.
What’s missing is the sheriff’s personal stake. Defending a town reads generic until we know what he has to lose. And “megalomaniac” is the lazy version of the villain; a specific quirk on the Soybean Magnate would make him memorable.
When an eighteen year old boy who yearns for a great adventure is gifted extraordinary powers, he must learn to balance his emotions while fate bodes a reality he is not prepared to face.
What becomes his objective goal after being gifted by these "extraordinary powers". Who/what opposes him?
What becomes his objective goal after being gifted by these “extraordinary powers”. Who/what opposes him?
See lessIn a post-apocalyptic world, five genetically enhanced children raised by a corrupted AI must navigate a crime-riddled society, unknowingly undermining a rival AI striving to end war and violence.
The hook of the story is carbon-based kids being raised by silicon-based AI. And I think it is an intriguing one. However: >>Dramatic Question: Are the kids really the future of the world, or are they the harbingers of its downfall? It is better to frame the dramatic question in terms of a speRead more
The hook of the story is carbon-based kids being raised by silicon-based AI. And I think it is an intriguing one.
However:
>>Dramatic Question: Are the kids really the future of the world, or are they the harbingers of its downfall?
It is better to frame the dramatic question in terms of a specific, concrete objective goal that either the kids or the the AI must achieve. What is that specific, concrete objective goal?
By that I mean, what’s the visual? Movies are a visual medium. What’s the visual on kids being “really the future of the world” or “harbingers of its downfall”?
What’s the scene that dramatizes and visualizes that the main character(s) have succeeded–or failed?
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