1. Posted: April 28, 2017In:

    When a young woman returns to her family for the burial of her brother, her doubtful past will envenom the reunion and reveal her true intentions.

    Guy Man Logliner

    Give the character a better adjective. Young is value neutral and doesn't tell us much about the character. If she's going to be revealed as some sort of sinister or vengeful person, then using adjectives like naive or idealistic would set up the twist better. Also use an appropriate adjective to chRead more

      1. Give the character a better adjective. Young is value neutral and doesn’t tell us much about the character. If she’s going to be revealed as some sort of sinister or vengeful person, then using adjectives like naive or idealistic would set up the twist better. Also use an appropriate adjective to characterize the family, so we understand what the relationship between the woman and the family is. Like, is the family evil or manipulative, or is it emotionally distant, etc.

    ?

      1. The logline is too mysterious. You should tell us what the girl’s doubtful past and her true intentions are so we know what the exact goal and conflict for the man character is.

        Your logline reminds me of Festen. There, the logline would be:

        A young man attending his father’s 60th birthday along with the rest of his family reveals that he was sexually assaulted by the father for years. Now he must get the father to acknowledge his crime in front of the extended family who have congregated for the celebration.

        Maybe this could be a model for your logline. Character reveal at the end of the first act, and then set up a concrete goal for her.?

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  2. Posted: March 30, 2020In:

    A forsaken young man struggles to overcome the anguish of childhood abduction, abuse, and a changed identity to become a college basketball All-American.

    Guy Man Logliner

    The character needs to be more specific. What?s the exact backstory here? Did he get abducted from his real family and is being raised by his abusers who forcibly changed his religion? If so, then you should open with that instead of putting it in the middle where the plot should be. And what?s theRead more

    The character needs to be more specific. What?s the exact backstory here? Did he get abducted from his real family and is being raised by his abusers who forcibly changed his religion? If so, then you should open with that instead of putting it in the middle where the plot should be.

    And what?s the character?s weakness? Is he a choker who loses his nerves during a game or does he have rage issues because of which he can?t play in a team? Or is he bad at handling failure because it reminds him of how worthless he is and somehow deserves the abuse that he has always received? Is there a religious angle that conflicts with his basketball player identity? Specificity of weakness should help you come up with an appropriate action that he needs to perform in order to get selected by a scout or whatever the ultimate goal is.

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  3. Posted: March 20, 2020In:

    When a high priced gigolo moonlights as a pornstar, his sexual depravities reach extreme heights, and he is forced to decide how much of his soul he will sell for money, fame and the love that will never fulfil him.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Richiev,Yeah - certainly, the logline is missing an I.I.Then something happens that makes him question his life choices.What story event makes the lead character look inward?I'm not entirely sure how sordid the sexual depravities gets. This is why I wasn't sure what is darker - the internet (beinRead more

    Hi Richiev,

    Yeah – certainly, the logline is missing an I.I.

    Then something happens that makes him question his life choices.

    What story event makes the lead character look inward?

    I’m not entirely sure how sordid the sexual depravities gets. This is why I wasn’t sure what is darker – the internet (being a pornstar) or being a gigolo (people are strange).

    Gigolo to pornstar (He goes from nobody… to somebody. he’s just a whore for the public. He’s doing things for the public. Things he doesn’t quite agree with. But he feels loved and he doesn’t want that feeling to go away.)

    Pornstar to gigolo. (He goes from macho/loved by many to doing dirty disgusting things with strangers. He thought the internet was a dark place – but the real world is far worse.)

    IMO – the internet is probably a far darker and sordid place ha.

    There’s certainly something universal here. A message about the Internet age/instant gratification/Facebook. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

    Perhaps the solution is to have another character going in the reverse direction. A woman – a ying to his yang. We’ll see. Perhaps they fall in love. The love they’re both desperately searching for was right in front of them.

    Very very dark story – with a hopeful last minute.?

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