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After being raped by her uncle when she was younger, a pastor’s daughter plots and carries out different ways of destroying her uncles family with coincidental mishaps causing their deaths over the years.
Agreed with the above comments, the inciting incident appears to happen off screen and in the past - this will diminish its impact on the MC in the story. In addition to all the notes above the goal needs specification. We get that she wants revenge but how and it what way? How many people need to dRead more
Agreed with the above comments, the inciting incident appears to happen off screen and in the past – this will diminish its impact on the MC in the story.
In addition to all the notes above the goal needs specification. We get that she wants revenge but how and it what way? How many people need to die before her revenge is exacted? All the rapist’s close family or just half?
The rhetorical nature of my questions is trying to get across that the goals stated are not fulfilling their function in the plot. Best to specify a single target of her revenge, one that will be causally connected to the inciting incident, in other words the rapist.
See lessIn need of a new start, a former top-shelf realtor struggles against her nature, and her wish not to fall in love with the charming redevelopment executive that wants to demolish the childhood Victorian house that she must now save, restore and make her home.
It reads like a rom-com is that the intention? If so then the concept works, if not then the logline needs re writing.Regardless the genre the story seems vague.What made her need a new start? Why must she save this house now? The answer to these question will likely be the inciting incident, whichRead more
It reads like a rom-com is that the intention? If so then the concept works, if not then the logline needs re writing.
Regardless the genre the story seems vague.
What made her need a new start? Why must she save this house now? The answer to these question will likely be the inciting incident, which is currently missing from the logline. Best to add it in so as to describe the starting point of your story.
Secondly you describe three main actions the main character will take:
“…struggles against her nature…” – in the B plot love story,
“…she must now save…” – in the A plot to save her childhood house,
“…and make her home…” – also in the A plot.
Loglines are mostly used to describe the A plot and are best when they describe a single goal. Therefore I suggest you re draft the logline, focus on the A plot and describe only the primary goal. Also would be great if you could describe an original action for her to take in order to save the house, other wise “save the house” is too vague a description.
I.e
See lessAfter a redevelopment executive threatens to destroy her childhood home, a top shelf realtor must move to the country and remain in the house to prevent it from being demolished, if she is to make it her home once again.
When during the 1896 depression a na?ve student learns he must have money to marry his girl he goes to Australia where he suffers emotional scars that affect his later decisions as the 31st US president.
First of all, please don't hide the game ball. ? Logline readers don't like to be left guessing, googling to find out who the 31st ?U.S. President was.Just put the ball in play: ?the story is a biopic based about the years Herbert Hoover, future U.S. President, worked in Australia. ?That's the hook.Read more
First of all, please don’t hide the game ball. ? Logline readers don’t like to be left guessing, googling to find out who the 31st ?U.S. President was.
Just put the ball in play: ?the story is a biopic based about the years Herbert Hoover, future U.S. President, worked in Australia. ?That’s the hook.
So what is the plot? ?Is it about Hoover venturing to Australia to establish himself in the world so he can afford to marry?
If it’s how some vaguely defined “emotional scars” in Australia had fatal consequences ?during his Presidency 3 decades later — well that’s not exactly a plot. ?For one thing, it lacks an objective goal. ? It casts Hoover as the passive victim of circumstances rather than as the ?agent of his own fate, for better or worse. In modern cinema,?Protagonists are expected to be proactive in spite of bad things that happen ?to them, in spite of emotional scars they collect.
If the story is about how some bad experiences in Australia foreshadowed his failures as President, does it also dramatize how these experiences also foreshadowed his magnificent success with food administration during World War 1? ?Foreshadowed his heroic food relief efforts during and ?after World War 1? Foreshadowed his humanitarian relief work during the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927?
Hoover is a worthy character for a story, one with a plot trajectory worth of Greek tragedy. But IMHO the man and his bio has a more complicated etiology than emotional scars suffered in Australia.
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