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When two wholesome brothers inherit a strip club they must not only overcome their own prejudices to see it succeed, but also defend it when the upright community decides to drive it out of business
In that case, this works better: "Two wholesome brothers invest everything into moving and managing their deceased uncle?s hotel, only to discover it is really a strip club. They must not only overcome their own prejudices to see it succeed, but also defend it when the upright community strive to drRead more
In that case, this works better:
“Two wholesome brothers invest everything into moving and managing their deceased uncle?s hotel, only to discover it is really a strip club. They must not only overcome their own prejudices to see it succeed, but also defend it when the upright community strive to drive it out of business.”
However, this really blows out my word count.
See lessAfter being kidnapped during a violent war, an innocent boy must find his way home.
For mine, your log line captures none of the compelling elements of this outline. There is plenty in it to hook the audience which could be used. The soldiers come across several children and kill them, sparing one child - What made this one particular child special? Why was he/she singled out and sRead more
For mine, your log line captures none of the compelling elements of this outline. There is plenty in it to hook the audience which could be used.
The soldiers come across several children and kill them, sparing one child – What made this one particular child special? Why was he/she singled out and spared?
He is taken and sold and then ?adopted? by a wealthy family – are these 3 separate events, or do you mean he is sold to a family who then consider it a form of adoption?
Eventually (as an adult) he searches out his family – how did he gain his independence? One moment he is essentially a captive child, next he is a free adult?
Essentially though, the original log line is too vague and contains none of the interesting elements of your proposed story.
See lessWhen several U.S. Army soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must learn how to prevent future deaths and deal with his supervisor?s retaliation before he becomes the next casualty.
Better, not sure why you feel the need to keep YOUNG instead of describing him as something more interesting, like "determined" or something. After Army soldiers mysteriously die during training exercises, a new enlistee learns who is responsible and must fight to expose the corruption before he's nRead more
Better, not sure why you feel the need to keep YOUNG instead of describing him as something more interesting, like “determined” or something.
After Army soldiers mysteriously die during training exercises, a new enlistee learns who is responsible and must fight to expose the corruption before he’s next.
See less