1. Posted: June 12, 2017In:

    A rewrite: When a young Muslim woman and a none Muslim man falls in love, they fight for their lives, when her betrothed hunts them to revenge his and his family’s honor.

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    dpg Singularity

    I like the general premise of the story, Benneth, a conflict of faith and culture. ?It is definitely an improvement over your previous versions?And it is definitely topical. I think Foxtrot25's suggestion is an improvement, but I would like a clarification as to whom you see as the protagonist in thRead more

    I like the general premise of the story, Benneth, a conflict of faith and culture. ?It is definitely an improvement over your previous versions?And it is definitely topical.

    I think Foxtrot25’s suggestion is an improvement, but I would like a clarification as to whom you see as the protagonist in the story, the woman or the man? ?From whose pov are you going to tell the story? (And am I correct to believe that the woman is part of a family that has recently immigrated to Norway?)

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  2. Posted: June 12, 2017In:

    When a yound man falls in-love with a beautiful woman, he fights for his life, when her jealous fiancee determines to kill him.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with the above comments. Also, most love stories or boy meets girl stories follow a similar paradigm: boy meets girl, falls in love someone (usually an angry fiance or father) stands in their way. How is this different to the love story in Titanic for example?

    Agreed with the above comments.

    Also, most love stories or boy meets girl stories follow a similar paradigm: boy meets girl, falls in love someone (usually an angry fiance or father) stands in their way.
    How is this different to the love story in Titanic for example?

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  3. Posted: May 3, 2017In:

    A bitter yet compliant African slave is killed for a crime he didn?t commit and is revived through black magic. Upon discovering he?s immortal, he?ll spend decades trying to recover what was stolen from him. New Logline: After a revived African slave discovers he is immortal after being framed for murder, he spends each passing century fighting bigotry to end how blacks are viewed in America. 5/3/2017

    dpg Singularity

    >>>After discovering immortality Wonder if that could be re-phrased better. ?How does he discover it? ?This is obviously the inciting incident that kicks the whole saga in the pilot episode. ?So it has to be a good one -- and one that inducesa viewing audience to suspend disbelief. >>Read more

    >>>After discovering immortality

    Wonder if that could be re-phrased better. ?How does he discover it? ?This is obviously the inciting incident that kicks the whole saga in the pilot episode. ?So it has to be a good one — and one that inducesa viewing audience to suspend disbelief.

    >>> a former African slave

    Wouldn’t it make for a stronger pilot episode and story line if he becomes immortal while still enslaved and the through line for the 1st season would become his struggle to win his freedom. ?(And freedom for his family? ) ?I’m assuming that becoming immortal has conveyed no other boon or power, so he would have to wrestle with obtaining his freedom like mere mortals.

    >>filled with anger

    Isn’t that so obvious that it doesn’t need ?to be said? ?Or is subjective need to somehow, over time, transcend his anger? ?His anger can serve as a two-edged sword of emotional motivation. ?There is plenty of cause to be angry because there is so much injustice and oppression. ?But on the other hand, if not tempered, it can lead to rash behavior and self-defeating consequences. (And the character has to be flawed; even though fighting to overcome evil, he’s can’t be portrayed as a saint.)

    Anyway, overall, I suggest the logline needs to frame his objective goal more directly: to wit, to obtain his freedom and fight for the freedom and equality for all his people. ?(That is his long term objective goal, isn’t it?)

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